The Whirlpool

A tribute to the poet Mona Lisa, and an attempt to write in her style

 

The Whirlpool (a tribute to the poet Mona Lisa)

 

Here I am trying to be Mona Lisa without sophistry,

without her flow of words, images, raw emotions

dragging me across pages of memories, neuron files

lacking sophistication as I recall the pall of Bronx

Schools and children pummeling their way into my

attention, from every dimension, different as any

child or parent can be from me, in pigments of color,

and skin that is glowing, growing in a land of violence,

that I’ve never lived. Without my opportunity

they cannot see a path out of the devastation

that surrounds them, the deaths in the streets,

courtyard gunfights, and siren nights, listening

at eight and ten, eleven years old.

They’ll talk about it, won’t be proud unless

they can leave it, the project towers

looming behind them, sentries plotting

endless barbed wire traps to prevent their

escape, rape and murder to break them, rats

and prisons to scratch and catch them,

society plotting to keep all its underclass

underneath its feet, still downtrodden, their

lives hidden, forgotten on welfare lines

and dead-end educations that can’t teach them

while the whirlpool sucks at their feet.

 

David P. Eckert

Reviews

[Jessica Standifird]

I really like the way this poem moves, it begs to be read aloud. I like how the whirlpool doesn't come into play until the end of the piece, too. There's so much truth in your observations, the odds are stacked against so many, and yet...some step forward and shine. Not without having to pull their feet from the whirlpool, though. Great poem!

[~crazy Beautiful~]

this piece should be read aloud, wow
great work
i especially loveddragging me across pages of memories, neuron files

lacking sophistication as I recall the pall of Bronx

Schools and children pummeling their way into my

attention, from every dimension"
Might I suggest a format change to break it up a little it would seem a bit easier on the eyes
but as it stands it is fantastic
thank you for entering my contest

"

[Tomás Ó C..]

Like in the film Dangerous Minds, we must see hope among horror.

[Barry S. Maltese]

"as I recall the pall of Bronx
Schools and children pummeling their way into my
attention"
Just one example of what I like about this poem. . . . the use of visual language that take the reader into the sittuation along with you. Great job!!

[J. Duran]

Great sense of wording and I suppose a worthy tribute.
There is some nice wording and expressions that give off an
interesting image.
Good job!!!
-J. Duran

[Gandré]

We are all strong enough to bear the misfortunes of others...somebody said. But I really bow of people who have enough strenght to live jump out of their imprinted situation, on go straight through life, but with humor and the strenght to inficate others with their unbearable enthusiasm. That's Mona.

You wrote an sensitive portrait with this poem. I enjoyed completely....

[Carlos Isaias Ruiz]

very nice. i especially enjoy when the hour became the age.

[Amy Nixon]

I love this. THe way you structure the piece with short phrases and commas, makes it a very fast read, which to me mirrors how quickly children can be "lost" in today's society. I felt like I was going downhill while reading this ,just as these children.
Great job!

[Kara Emily Krantz]

ouch.... you said so much here.

nice job.

[Krystal Waters]

I just wanted to see what the others thought of your work and saw that you did enter this in a contest!!! What can I say... I just love the wording in this poem and if it doesn't win, I will be amazed. Absolutely floored if you don't win.