queef poem

see note for reviewer.

when i was a wee lad i worked in one of many

kitchens and there amongst

the dirt & sweat of the summer months

i was toiled away at the dishes one afternoon

about to work with my ex-con cook

on the preparation for the evening

smorgasbord

whatever that might have been.

 

the main waitress came through the swinging door

which blocked those drunks from the bar

from walking straight into the kitchen

and she slapped me on the stomach

making some remark about missing the flatness of

a young guy’s stomach during sex

&

as if that didn’t disgust me and make me uncomfortable

enough

she then grabbed a can of cranberry sauce.

 

the bulk-sized cans of cranberry sauce were quite large

and they needed to be opened by one of those can openers that in a

restaurant kitchen

are attached to the preparation table.

 

she pulled me over from the dishes with one hand

and got close to me when she was opening the can with the other,

& with that ever-so-attractive breath of cigarettes and liquor

she whispered to me, beginning to laugh while saying it to me---

“what does that sound like?”

the sound which was something like a “thhwerp” or quite possibly a

“phlerrp”

created by the cranberry sauce sliding out of the can all at once

seemed to make this wretched wasted waitress

laugh quite a bit

regardless of the fact that i wasn’t

and so, i gave up in guessing in my own head---disinterested.

 

“i don’t know, it sounds like crabnberry sau…”

 

she cut me off saying---

 

“it sounds like a p***y fart! 

sounds like a queef, buddy, doesn’t it?”

at the time i didn’t know what a “queef” was

and it apparently made her laugh quite a bit

and by default

that made me quite sick---

if anything because i had to see her yellow teeth

(the ones she had left)

when she was laughing.

 

now that the term has been brought out into the mainstream

by the brilliant guys at south park

i felt that i could share my own story

my testament regarding the

queef. 

Author's Note

"women name their queefs too---
for instance, we have the "sneezing unicorn"---
(sound of a unicorn sneezing)
and "the Rescuscitator"
(vacuum sucking in and out sound---followed by cartman's utter disgust)
...and we can do "the Roadwarrior"

-woman explaining to men & young boys on south park, the different kinds of queefs in comparison to the variations of farts.

South Park, Episode 4, Season 13: “Eat, Pray, Queef”