timmy p.

see note for reviewers.

the similarity in likeness between the

fictional character of “data” on the show

star trek: the next generation,

and that of the real character,

former minnesota governor

timothy james pawlenty

is a little bit

frightening---

and if you want to go to the place where

frightening is the

taste,

go ahead &

youtube yourself his big screen movie

production ad

for the “release” of his book

“courage to stand,”

which sold about 6,000 copies (most optimistic

estimate possible) its first week.

 

despite the fact that it looks as if

jerry bruckheimer directed it,

timmy’s whomping book sales

do not live up to the sweeping cuts

found in the “film”

of every possible

historical moment that he could muster,

which

had absolutely nothing to do with him---

from MLK, the berlin wall falling & the first landing

on the moon

to typical shots of big eyed freckle faced

little kids, hugs & guys in hard hats

we are all still left with one truth which even

cenk uygur of the young turks agrees with---

“tim pawlenty is

the most boring man  

in america.”

 

despite his book’s lack of success,

he still went on a rocking book tour---

along the way he stopped off at

the tea party’s american policy summit

to characterize

“the royal triangle of greed” that included

unions,

congradulating the tyrant scott walker on

a job well done, nodding to

the sea of old white people who faintly smiled into the panning

camera,

looking just as bland & appropriately

apprehensive as when t-paw himself was speaking about the

freedom of speech

with jon stewart on the daily show.

 

perhaps if you can’t picture this in your head,

if you haven’t seen that daily show stumbling,

then you maybe you can imagine

a deer pausing in front of your headlights

in order to take a moment to

pray.

 

this pro-life,

anti-same sex marriage,

proponent of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy

(which he says that he will bring back if he is president) &

line item vetoer of $381 million of health & human service money in

minnesota,

did find time during his stint as governor to

“accept a $500,000 abstinence-only sex education grant which would

require the state to match it with $350,000” while in the same breath,

in 2010,

he “refused federal health care funds of $850,000 for

teenage pregnancy prevention (amidst other important medical needs).”

 

whether he is telling jokes about justin bieber to a

bunch of college kids in iowa

(trying desperately to relate to them by

using the ever-so-eloquent ramblings of

lady gaga in the transparent attempt to win

youth votes),

or coining the term “obamnycare” with his

razor

sharp

wit

(and then spinelessly, 2 days later in “debate” with

romney, backpaddling, trying to convince all of us

watching that the statement simply had to do with

obama),

he never ceases to amaze when it comes to the lengths

at which he will go to

sell

out &

get down on his knees to jerk & suck off

corporate america until they splash all over his

easy-to-forget face all

the warm gushy cash that it will take

to become

mitt romney’s

vice presidential

running mate.

Author's Note

“His ground-breaking Google solution means he’s still an attractive candidate,
because, I can Google Tim Pawlenty, and if I can Google Tim Pawlenty, that means
he’s absolutely unnecessary in government, which makes him the perfect Vice
President.”

-Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report, commenting on Pawlenty in regards to
T-Paw’s “Google Test,” in which T-Paw states that “If you can find a service or a good available on Google or the internet, then the federal government probably doesn’t need to be providing that good or service.”