push-ups for jesus

oooooh you. all the push-ups & jerk-offs in the world can’t make the untrue true.

johnny doe you know he did

push-ups for jesus + johnny doe

you know he did one in the morn

after watching porn + keeping his

arms strong in the characters name

he exerted himself for the savior

he did push-ups for jesus + he found

himself getting stronger + yes he did

his push-ups for the man with the

plan the messiah coming back again

+ johnny went down n’ told his

mommy “momma, i’ve just done

my reps for the day, do ya think

mr. christ will like me that way?” +

johnny went to the gym and did

his flexes n’ his raising of the

weighted bar---he kept in line he

didn’t go to far he never let them

eyes of his wander + johnny walked

the straight n’ narrow no matter

rain or shine, he’d been waiting

20 years on the one who he believed

turned water into wine + johnny

was a trooper for jesus.

 

johnny was a good boy he kept his

arms strong he worked at his bi’s n’

his tri’s & he pumped them quads

for the one who walked on water

just for him he knew it deep deep

down within.

 

down on the ground in the early

morn down on the ground when

lunch time rolled around down on

the floor when the night time

swore to everybody else you know

maybe just maybe it’s time to go

to sleepy but no no no johnny flexed

his muscular physique for the man

who he still swore had the plan.

 

one day while oiling up himself in

front of the mirror n’ crossing himself

while slicking his chest from the

father to the son to the holy spirit

n’ back down to gripping his

superduperjesusconnector he saw

in the reflection of the mirror

another behind him with a long

red pointed tale just like those found

in the cartoons that he always

swore were based on the same

biblical fact cause’ he knew that

no one ever really denied that one

simple truth---that everybody in

spirit always did their own push-ups

for jesus.

 

johnny figured that he wasn’t doing

enough + he felt he was slipping

back into something of a less fit

life + what would the man with the

plan think of him if his muscles

slunk down into spam?

 

he had to work harder

he had to buy protein powder

he had to spend more hours at getting

MUCH MUCH STRONGER

for jesus

because when the rapture came round

johnny doe you know he wanted

to be at the front of the line

with his oily glistening pecks screaming

in the name of mr. loaves of bread n’ fish

himself.

 

but that damn pointy-red-tailed thingy

kept coming round the gym n’ showing its

ugly head in the mirrors taunting

johnny like no tomorrow n’ no matter

how tight johnny made his buttocks he

feared being taken by the character called

satan.

 

johnny felt he had to make a stand if

he was ever gonna get to see his man

with the plan + so one morning he got up

& oiled himself down (after relieving

himself to his favorite movie) then

gone in his living room he started his

non-stop push-up-fest (gonna exert

exert exert that damn demon away)

n’ he felt he would make it all make

a difference.

 

down to the ground with the tip of his

nose & then back up again, with each

push he told himself “get back thee

satan!  get back thee!  leave me!  leave

me!” & his arms became harmed by the

hours upon hours of exertion & further

hallucinations because you see when

you don’t eat n’ you don’t sleep n’

you don’t do anything but push-ups for

jesus you die doing push-ups for jesus.

 

needless to say the savior never came

& when the police showed up a few

days later they found the lone holy

masturbator laying face down in his

living room reeking of oil & piety.