Chapter Two: A peaceful place

Chapter Two:

This was a strange day for me.  I walked through the local crematory. This place wasn’t creepy to me at all, it was calming. My name is John Fisher, but most people called me, Mars. It was a nickname my mother gave me, never knew why.  I’m a typical eighteen age old boy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pretty muscled body. Through I do seem to scare people sometimes. I feel I have a bit of darkness in me. Whatever, guess what makes me special. I live with my “parents”. I don’t think they are my real ones, they seem to love and care about just less than my friend’s ones. They seem afraid of me too. I really don’t care either way. I have trouble caring about people. I don’t feel like their equals. I have friends at school, but more enemies. I pick fights with people all the time, no one can beat me. I feel invincible most of the time.

I walk around the crematory, looking at trees and all the neatly filed graves. I smirk. Death is so well organized. You die, you get bury, and you are done. No cares, no worries, you are just dead. Well at least that’s what I think about the subject.

I stop and sit. A hooded man approaches me. I’m always ready for a fight. He stares at me. I yell at him,

 “What are you staring at?”

“A little brat of a kid.”

That fired me up.

“I wouldn’t say stuff like that to me, sir, I’m not afraid of anyone.”

“I’m nothing you can stand against, just move along you little pest.”

That’s when things boiled over. I swing at him, striking a blow in his chest. He doesn’t move. I’m shocked he didn’t fall to the floor, that was barely using my strength, but it normally got the job done. His face also had shock, like he couldn’t believe I actually hit him and made him hurt.

“Who are you, kid?”

“None of your business.”

He goes to grab me, I go off on him. Full strength. He flies back. I run off. I can’t believe I made him fly that far back. I run and run till I get home.

Unknowingly to me, the man gets up. Dusts himself off and fixes the ring on his hand. A beautiful glowing blue ring.

Reviews

[Daydreamer54]

maybe this kids is suppsed to be hades! i love guessing who these ppl are saupposed to be! ^^ U gave them great characteristics that match the gods and goddesses.

Good chapter. Lots of detail and pretty good setup for the scenes. The first two paragraphs read a little rough, hit some proofreading and you will be moving in a winning direction. Coming together very nicely.

[Vanessa Rico]

I love mythology and I love when people modernize these past myths and make them their own. That being said I love the fact that you and Amber have collaborated on this piece. Collaborations can be fun but there is team work and give and take involved so that can be hard. I have read all chapters up to this one and I will continue on. As for Mars, I dont really like him too much. I think he is an arrogant jerk, but maybe that will change. Great job both of you!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Ah, mystery, how you weave a tangled web to ensnare your readers, well done

[Bailey C. Writing]

they seem to love and care about just less than my friend’s ones.
*They seem to love and care about me, just than my friend's parent's.
Something like that.
What a good chapter, I wonder what the ring means and who the mysterious figure is. May need a bit of grammar fix in places, but good job overall

[∂αʌ<..]

nice opening paragraph!

[StarNinja]

I'm a typical 18 YEAR old boy.
That's the only fix I'll give you. Find the rest on your own! D:< lol jk.
Anyways, I can see that even this early in the story, John already shows some of the signs that he might be a Demi-God. Let's run through them shall we?
If you go to crematories to relax, you might be a Demi-God. If you're always ready for a fight, you might be a Demi-God. If you're mother names you after the Roman God of War, you might be a Demi-God. If you beat up kids at school and feel invincible all the time, you might be a Demi-God. If you fight strange hooded men with little provocation, you might be a Demi-God. If you have blond hair, blue eyes, a well muscled body, feel like you have a bit of darkness in you and you think you scare people sometimes and still consider yourself a "typical" teenager, you might be a Demi-God.

[the in between]

hmmm shiny blue ring ey? Maybe thats why the man is so powerful.
I think through is suppose to be though :) "Through I do seem to scare people sometimes." Your story is interesting so far. Can't wait to see what's next.

[Balls:)]

as for little miss "spell right" down there, GRAMMAR doesn't really matter, that's not what we're looking at here. It's the story. which is coming along nicely :)

[Bellamorte]

'ok well you have the concept going, but you need to work on your grammer...especially your tense...you shift from past to present a few times, nothing a quick edit won't fix.... sometime you gotta read it aloud to yourself before you post....'
You gotta fix you're spelling! it's GRAMMAR not GRAMMER.

But I agree, some of the grammar in this is a little patchy, for istance, I saw a comma where a comma doesnt belong.