It's Not Me, It's You

A Poem of Prayer

So many days and nights spent

Just plain spent

Tears, prayers

When does it end?

That part isn't written anywhere

 

Maybe it's me

Maybe I'm not pure enough

All of my intentions proven irrelevant

Nothing I say matters

Nothing's up to me

 

Am I not doing this right?

Is that why he will inevitably chose to suffer?

Is it really inevitable?

Should I care?

Do You care?

 

Of course you do

I know you do

You said you do

It is imperative that you do

And you do

 

So why this?

Why no change?

Who's in control here?

I feel it should be you

But it is him

 

His decision

His fate

His life

His happiness

His security

 

But I know I can't sit back

But maybe that's all that's left

Just pray

And pray

...and pray

 

But I have prayed

So many times I've prayed

But when I pray, is it about him?

Or do I pray for me?

Maybe that's what's wrong

 

Another fault of mine

Add it to the list

But it's not hurting me

It's killing him

And that's what keeps me awake at night

 

I've got plenty of problems without him

People hate me for reasons unknown

People have not the decency to help me grow

I push people away

And I'm using all those tactics that were used against me

 

I'm a goof

I'm an idiot

I talk to much

I say dumb things

I let my insecurities get the best of me

 

This has always bothered me

But not like this

It's always been about me

But now it's not

It's about him

 

His decision

His fate

His life

His happiness

His security

 

If he could see that

See my heart

See my love

See Your love

But he won't

 

Not that he can't

He won't

I've tried to show him

And I was the bad guy

Now I'm the bad guy

 

Anger

Sorrow

Humiliation

Desperation

Dread

 

That's me

That's my heart now

All that remains

Not what I showed him

But what he turned it into

 

I ask myself

I ask God

I ask a friend

I ask a real grown up

One who's supposed to know everything

 

And all I hear

All it comes down to

Is just for me to pray

To pray again

To pray until it works

 

Is prayer like that?

You try harder until you succeed?

Like basketball?

I hope not, because I suck at basketball

No matter how hard I try

 

No, that's not it

That's just silly

But so is doing the same thing

Over and over hoping it works

I know this is different

 

I know I should

I know it's right

But why is it?

Because you said it is

And because I know it is

 

He's yours

I'm yours

You're mine

He doesn't like you

He doesn't even like me

 

But that's not what it's about

It's not about me

Him thinking highly of me

Him buying a word I say

Him respected me more

 

It's about him

It's about You

It's about what you did

It's about what he did

It's about what You and him can be

 

So here I stand

Caught in the middle of it all

But I'm not in it at all

It's not about me

This isn't my story

 

Yes I love him

Yes I believe

Yes I want him to see

Yes I yearn for that moment

Yes I imagine that day

 

When he makes a change

Sees the truth

Past all the lies

Past the charades

Past the fake

 

We're good at that you know?

Real good at charades

It's our favorite

We're never ourselves

We're a projection of what we wish to be

 

Maybe it comes out as humility

Maybe it comes out as anger

Maybe it comes out as fear

Maybe it comes out as his arrogance

Maybe it comes out as my goofiness

 

But there's more to it than that

We are who you made us to be

Even when we aren't, we still are

Because after all, it was up to you

Even now, it's up to you

 

Don't let me forget

That no matter his choice

You are still in control

And you like to make me stretch

Through this little thing called prayer

 

Not what we often think of prayer

Not crossing my hands

Not getting on my knees

Not asking for things

Not trying to sound sincere

 

But losing myself

Losing my grip on reality

Letting go of what I hold so tight

Knowing you are who you said you are

And rejoicing in that

 

Rejoicing

Joy

What?

It can't be

But it is

 

I am in agony

And I have bliss

I'm scared to death

And completely confident

I suppose I do have it figured out

 

Of course not all of it

I perhaps never will

But I know enough to know that I don't know

And I will trust in you

For reasons I only halfway understand

 

And I know that no matter what

I will have you

And you will have me

And that's the only thing I know

The only thing I can count on

 

When it's all said and done

I'm not your worker

I'm not your representative

I'm not your secretary

I'm your son

 

The son you love

Far more than I love him

But you love him even more than I do

And you are his answer

It's not me, it's you