The Papillion Conspiracy Tapes

Do you really know what happens in your home while you are absent?

 

Having acquired top secret software from Area 51, I was able to audio tape and decode conversations of our two Papillion’s while we were at work on Friday. What follows is a verbatim transcript between Schuster (he) and Sappho (she).

 

He: Well they're finally gone. Another 8 hours in this lousy cage.

She: If you hadn't of had those "accidents" we would have been allowed the run of the house while the two humans are out.

He: Hey, s*** happens.

She: Exactly. Now stop passing gas and let me take a nap. Nothing better to do anyway.

He: That's all you ever want to do, sleep. We could fool around you know.

She: Sometimes you are so dense. We are in separate cages.

He: Oh yeah, right. Well let’s talk then. So what do you think of the new humans you own?

She: They're ok I guess. Plenty of food to eat, toys, a kitten to chase and the blond never makes a big deal about my pooping on the floor.

He: She's pretty cool except for those times she wants to "cuddle". I wish the old guy would buy her a stuffed animal so she'd leave me alone.

She: It makes her happy, like she's really doing something. But that hair. Doesn't she know her grey roots are showing?

He: Probably not. Soon enough she'll see she resembles the old women she reads about in AARP magazine. And him, the old guy. What's with the ponytail?

She: Isn't that a hoot and with a receding hairline to match. These two are real works! Enough chit chat. Still seven more hours and I need rest to think up a few more ways to annoy them tonight. Now get some sleep willya.

He: Are you sure you don't want to fool around?

She: Doggie heaven help me but you can be dumb. You may be older but boy you are stupid as a bunch of those stale puppy cookies they feed us.

He: Lay off will you. If you hadn't of come into this house wagging the cute little butt of yours, I wouldn't be having those unexplained urges to hump a tree.

She: OK, so go to sleep already. We have work to do later especially if we want to torture the old man into feeding us off his plate at supper time.

 

There was a two hour period of silence on the tape except for a few grunts, low barks and snoring. The transcript continues with Schuster (he) and Sappho (she).

 

She: Are you awake over there?

He: Huh? Yeah, yeah I think your first howl was enough to wake me.

She: Good. Let's get started. The humans will be home in about five hours and we got plans to make.

He: Why do we need five hours?

She: Simple doggie breath. One, we decide on a plan. Two, we rehearse over and over until you get it right.

He: You know you got a mean mouth. You keep the insults going and I just might start ignoring you altogether.

She: (laughter is heard) And that is a threat? You better learn to work with me kid or I'll convince those two simpletons they don't need you and it's off to some farm to chase sheep for you.

He: They wouldn't do that, they love me.

She: You been sniffing the catnip again? Whatever. Ok, let’s plan.

He: Fine but watch it woman. You know I had a pretty good thing until you showed up. Warm house, plenty of food, toys, a kitten to chase.

She: So what?

He: Then you come in here wagging your butt, driving me crazy and the humans start yelling just because I try to cuddle with you.

She: Cuddle? Is that what you call it? You keep that behavior up mister and I'll bite you so you won't ever get those ideas again.

He: Let's call a truce and get on with this. I still get time for a long nap before they get back.

She: OK. That big fat cat keeps himself hidden unless he wants to eat. So what we do is when he comes out we both make a quick charge, he'll snarl and hiss and take a swipe at us.

He: And that's supposed to be fun?

She: Let me finish! When he reacts the humans will holler at him and grab for the flyswatter and he'll disappear like a scared rabbit.

He: OK, that works.

She: Now there is the matter of the kitten. We pretend to ignore her and when she least expects it, we both attack. You take the neck area; I'll get for the tail. A couple of nips apiece and she'll be off to the races.

He: But I like to play with her.

She: Play nothing. You think you can make whoopee with her because she's a girl. Moron, she's not one of us!

He: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting. It's just that every few weeks she gets this sultry look in her eyes and I get all befuddled. And those long sleek legs, wow.

She: Oh good grief. Are you sure we are the same species?

He: Hey, I like women.

She: Enough. You're starting to pant so I'll give you time to calm down, get yourself together. Drink some water and lie down. Let me think.

 

After another hour lull in the tapes punctuated only by puppy snores, the conversation between the two Papillion’s continues.

 

She: OK, wake up over there. They'll be home soon and we need to be prepared

He: Oh man, I was having this dream of that cute little collie down the street.

She: Too bad. You remember what we're going to do to torment the cats’ right.

He: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She: Good. Now that fake blond will be getting home first today so as soon as you hear the front door open, start whining, got it.

He: Easy enough.

She: She will have her bags, mail and whatnot to put away first, so every 30 seconds raise the decibel level...that's sure to put her nerves on edge.

He: It usually does, especially since your voice is so grating to begin with.

She: My voice is not "grating", it's sexy. Stop the insults and listen.

He: Yeah, whatever.

She: It's important that we raise enough noise that she'll take us out back before she changes her clothes. It's been raining some so our paws will be wet and with luck, a little muddy. So when we start jumping up against her legs...

He: I get the picture. Those pants will end up in the wash. So what?

She: Didn't you notice she was wearing those new jeans with sequins and crap? Why we should be able to stain them enough, she'll never wear them to work again.

He: Uh huh.

She: Be sure that you run all over the yard before you do anything else. You go one way, I'll go another and she'll go cross-eyed trying to follow the both of us.

He: Can I at least stop to go wee-wee after all we've been in those cages for six hours.

She: Yes but take your time. We want to keep her out in the rain as long as possible. They think dogs smell after getting wet, well, humans aren't any bed of roses either.

He: True, especially once she gets agitated and starts her "hot flashes".

She: We should be able to occupy her time for at least 15 minutes, then run up the stairs and look cute but be sure to bark enough to let her know we are done and want in. Once in the house, we keep annoying her until she forks over the cookies.

He: Speaking of which, we doesn't she give us real cookies instead of those dry, stale dog biscuits. And it would be nice to have steak now and again and maybe some pie.

She: Did you forget we are dogs, not people? That kind of food will gum up your arteries and age you before your time. Besides she sneaks us enough human food when she's in the mood.

He: I suppose you're right. They really don't eat very well and spend most of their time on their butts. We are the smart ones, running all over the house getting exercise.

She: Exactly. When the old guy gets here be sure to make a fuss. Gets him every time. Follow him wherever he goes that will raise his irritation level. Then as soon as he sits, jump on his lap and we'll start one of our "arguments". You know he likes to relax so that will put a stop to that.

He: So far so good.

She: When they eat, we gotta beg.

He: Naturally.

She: Just when they are both getting comfortable, start sniffing around the floor and he'll jump up and take us out again.

He: In the rain?

She: You're not gonna melt. Besides that will delay his nap and those horrible snores awhile.

He: He does rattle windows.

She: Got that right. When he does start to fall asleep in his chair, we start the racing all over again, hopefully that dumb kitten will be nearby and we can make her screech.

He: Good idea. He hates all that noise.

She: Every 30 minutes we annoy one or the other and they'll be exhausted by 9 o'clock. Then one last "outside" run and we can go to bed.

He: I think I'll be exhausted myself by then.

She: Yeah so what. The point is, if we do what we plan, in no time we'll have them both under control and we can write our own ticket. They'll just leave us alone to get into anything we want, pee in the house, ANYTHING!

He: That would be cool. Then could we make a little whoopee?

She: You are such a man! Besides you aren't my type, much too hairy and you smell like dog.

He: Hey, it's me or the fat cat.

She: Wrong again. I'm waiting for Mr. Right. Now shut up and repeat the plan to yourself until they get home.

 

The tape ended. The humans were annoyed. The dogs took over.

Author's Note

All comments are appreciated. Writing is always a work in progress.

Reviews

[Daniel Rodrigues Martin]

She: Doggie heaven help me but you can be dumb. You may be older but boy you are stupid as a bunch of those stale puppy cookies they feed us.
He: Lay off will you. If you hadn't of come into this house wagging the cute little butt of yours, I wouldn't be having those unexplained urges to hump a tree.

Haha, that's a charming little section right there.

I'm sure your wife appreciated the comments about her hair and hot flashes!

Animals can be a lot of fun. Sometimes I do think that they sit around and plan how they're going to get on my nerves while I'm away. Can't help but love 'em, though!

This was a quaint read, hope to see more from you in the future.

-D

[Ani Ashford]

HEHE.... I love this.... I am laughing so hard. Great write from the doggy point of view. Reminds me of my mother-in-law and her chihuahua.