My daughter asks what it means to be a feminist

There aren’t many ways
I can think to go about it: the act
of making the world a single

saturation. I suppose dressing a house’s
insides in uniformity might be the one
way reachable for most of us. When

Jane Austen wrote, she imagined men
who grew to love women
for their substance and independence.

A Mr. Darcy who could not stop
thinking of Elizabeth
walking the countryside alone,

reveling in only the hills and sway
of grasses as she walked. A Mr. Darcy who
secretly made love to her mind

blooming (as he imagined it)
across that series of afternoons
she would not share with him. This

Mr. Darcy could not let the bright
petals of, not her beauty, but
her mind, go. Why do women love

this story? I don’t know. I only know
my own mind and the lure of the idea
of a world where there is the unitary

appreciation. The differences in us
sketching the afternoons with a bower
of peonies mingled with the sharp tang

of wild ginger. I stand among the uncut
clovers at evening and think in the loose
fragments of autumn. I watch it careen

itself to the ground. And, know I don’t
know in what shapes or seasons a man
thinks. Or what colors he paints the sky,

when standing alone in the center
of a car park with not a single woman
in sight. And for that I am grateful.

Author's Note

2019

Reviews

[CD Campbell]

Hmmmm. I've known people of both sexes who dont bother trying to understand their partners or themselves. They seem to me to be prime examples of atheism. Total biological creatures ruled by their chemicals. At least their shallowness scratches that way. I've known a few women who have brought that Jesus moment into me. The Mr. Darcy moment. Sure, chemically there's something there, but a percieved "plain" person can shine like the sun if their soul is allowed to.

As far as differences between men and women? And what they think? I want to believe we want the same things. We just might not go about getting those things the same way. We drive different vehicles heading to the same destination. I say that and sometimes fantasize about being a hermit in the hills. Its shameful, I wasn't raised to give up, but in these times, we lose and gain faith so rapidly, its dizzying. Anyway, babbling.
As to the word "feminist", I like bantering with you and others on this site, so any man with an aggressive masculine view towards poetics like myself is better off keeping his mouth shut. Not that my views are correct , I just dont know what it's like to be a woman. Which kind of ties in with why you are questioning the man thinking in a parked car. It's the question of our existence.

I want to say before I embarrass myself any further, that I like the progression of the poem from beginning to end. Your thoughts on Austen, to the peonies, to the question of manly behavior is well thought out and written with soulful precision. This is a very good poem.

[Eilis]

Just starting over because I don’t like how that all came out. I guess what I mean is I’m not easily offended so if you speak your mind on my poems I’m not going to get upset. I like when people say what they mean as long as it isn’t mean spirited.

Regarding everything else. My ideas are a work in progress. Complex ideas and such take a lot of time to work out. The world is shifting all the time and I’m just trying to keep up.

Have you had that feeling of irrelevance yet? My husband and I have started feeling it. Not a fun feeling to get. Anyway.

I appreciated what you had to say about the poem itself. Still developing in my mind. And, I just appreciated your honest engagement.

Thanks, CD

[CD Campbell]

Irrelevance. You bet. I could get real personal on that front, but I abhor public drama so... yeah.

But as far as the poem is concerned, complexity is appreciated. You happy with it? I ask myself that same question, but my view on my own work changes day to day.

[Eilis]

I’m happy with it today, may not be tomorrow and in six months I may think it’s great or needs to be shelved. My opinion changes every time I look at a poem. I just try not to look too much.

[CD Campbell]

Same here.

[gram linski]

the strong woman, feminist wanting nothing more than a recognition of self, of mind, an equal, the female author free to write her own story and all she wants is for someone to see past the mundanities of stereotype and just see she for who she be, fine fine poem, Eilis,

[Eilis]

Thank you, Gram. Yes, that is about the crux of the thing. I appreciate that you could see that. read moreThank you, Gram. Yes, that is about the crux of the thing. I appreciate that you could see that.

Thanks for digging a bit to read this one.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I so enjoyed this a s poetry and in fact read the final stanza differently from some as I saw the protagonist showing her confidence and independence and saying 'I don't care what the man in then car, whom I don't know and who I am not choosing to engage with thinks! Great debate.

[Eilis]

Hey, John. Thanks. I like what you see here a lot. The question of how to answer my daughter’s question still eludes me. I suppose that’s how it should be to some degree. Approaching experiences one at a time. The world is very different from when I was her age, so I don’t know that I can definitively answer her in terms that will transfer to her experience. Will keep thinking about it.

Always glad to read your ideas. Thanks again.

[Beccy]

There are those women who claim we are objectified by the builder’s whistle, that a male stranger attempting to flirt with us is tantamount to sexual assault; and I am getting really fed up with the increasingly prevalent decades old 'revelations,' that someone once had their bum pinched by some haplass male. Caitlin Moran, a newpaper columnist, once wrote that feminism will only triumph, ‘when a woman goes up to collect the Oscar for Best Actress in shoes that aren’t killing her’. That the revolution will be televised, with Nicole Kidman in flip flops. Oh, how she entirely missed the point!

In my view, none of the above, answer the question posed. Instead, they owe more to the stable of strident triviality, than equality of opportunity and rise through merit, which is what a true feminist must surely have belief in.

I was born in 1978, went to Uni, got my degree, then took a job in the city in the financial sector, which was inhabited by more sharp suited male predators than there are sharks in the sea, so without wishing to sound know it all, I sort of know of which I speak. I was also fortunate enough to grow up in a country where it was blindingly obvious that women ruled: with a queen on the throne and a woman in Downing Street; a grocer’s daughter, educated at a state school, not from some privileged background.

A lot of women might not agree with my viewpoint, and I accept that there are still far too many places in this world, where elightenment has yet to shine. But for the most part, I think the battle is already mostly won. That the domino effect will continue apace and it is time to move on and celebrate the triumph, rather than continue to indulge in pointless attention seeking. Meantime, vive la difference, and as my dad always says about my mum; 'she points and I digs.' :))

Enjoyed this poem very much, it engaged the mind.

Beccy.

[Eilis]

Ah, Beccy, I love this comment. I think the generation we are from has very different views on the subject mostly because we are a little closer to the dark days. Your insights are fascinating.

My husband and I were discussing what you speak of in your first paragraph last evening. He works in the entertainment industry and has found it very challenging to navigate the new normal there. He fears being condemned for mistaken glances and such like.

I definitely think perspective is important. I love your stories shared here. Strength forged in the fire lends a true perspective of what's really happening. Thanks so much for sharing your ideas here and engaging with the poem.

[Beccy]

I feel sympathy for your husband. There seems to be a culture now of guilty until proven innocent instead of the other way around. I know that for centuries, some of those, (mostly men, but not all,) in power have abused their positions; but if we are to believe the hype, it's more prevalent than the common cold, which from experience is so not true; though I did have my moments. :))

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Beccy you have my respect for what it is worth as you seem to have the measure. There is and always will be 'sexual' tension between men and women and some men will abuse it as will some women. I have a t least one tale to tell of being sexually approached by a 'supervisor' without any hint of encouragement. But Darwin told us so. Men and women have one fundamental purpose and if studies are any measure, there are more women lacking fidelity because their instinct is to breed with multiple partners so as to ensure impregnation. The truth, if we add societal manacles, is somewhere in between with good and bad on all sides. The comment about Oscar winners in high heals has relevance as women 'naturally' wish to attract the attention of the male and outdo their rivals. I grew up at a time when sexual innuendo was expected and given but there were still red lines. Those red lines remain except the me too movement has made them double red lines and so confused the whole issue....................................................

[Eilis]

I was really interested to hear what he was experiencing at work. Not easy by any means. My hope is that at the other end of this current mood we’ll find a balance that works for both sexes. I like to be respected and not made to feel I have to endure something uncomfortable to keep the peace, or what have you. But I can also be open-minded enough to see when something is harmless or humorous. I don’t know. It’s not easy to underline. What prompted the whole thing was a video my daughter watched in her scout group about feminism/girl power that was pretty derogatory and in your face. It’s confusing for girls, but hopefully I can figure out how to lead her in the right direction. Thanks to both of you for sharing your ideas and experiences.

[Beccy]

Balance is the key; but it seems balance is not an attribute much in vogue at this time. Personally, I am minded that 'girl power,' is a double edged sword; the biological imperative being what it is.

The current climate is a confusion, is it not. Just the other day, I was having a conversation, (not the first by any means,) about this very subject. It was with a male friend of mine, who I've known since my Uni days. He's an intelligent and thoughtful man, but it was obvious to me that he no longer had any clear idea where the line is the sand is drawn.

A difficult one this.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Indeed balance and mutual respect is surely the key.

[Eilis]

Yes indeed, on all counts. Surely we will get where we need to be with time. One can hope. Thanks again, you two.

[barleygirl]

I'm not going to profess to understand your msg, but your poem triggers a cascade of possibilities! First, any stereotypical "differences" between men & women contribute to a problem relating between genders. Men and women fall on wide spectrums of behaviors & feelings that coincide in many ways. Back in the old days when feminists got up on soap boxes (as we called oratory) some felt they injected alienation between the sexes by always harping on how there's such a wide divide. When your poem turns lyrical, offering observations from nature instead of a cerebral message ("peonies . . . wild ginger" and beyond) . . . read this as showing: WE ARE ALL THE SAME -- JUST HUMANS, some crippled by early conditioning, as far as who plays with dolls & who plays with guns. As with all notions of ostracizing differences (women, gays, hillbillies, celebrities, on & on) . . . when life is peeled back to nature, we are so much more the same, than different! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Eilis]

I love what you see in this, Margie. That’s largely how I see things, yes. I just try to take things on a case by case basis. We have our inherent differences, but we also have a lot of commonalities.

I was always a girl who got along better with boys, and now a woman who gets along better with men -because I have a lot of brothers, I think. So I try to understand, but know some things will always be hidden. And we just have to be open to learning. Accepting of those things that remain unsaid. Not sure if I’m making sense.

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, I really appreciate them.

[barleygirl]

All my best friends over the years have been men. Being in engineering, I was often the only woman in offices where I worked (the old days). I'm definitely a lover of many varied men, even the inevitable a******s *smile*

[Eilis]

Ha! Sometimes the a******s teach us the most. About each other and ourselves.

[kentuck14]

E,
Again you make me think beyond the surface of a question. My daughters grew up loving Jane Austin, perhaps without realizing what you have said about Darcy and Elizabeth. Yet, two them married men who seem to love them as much for their mind . . . while one found her man caring only for a "caretaker."
I'd like to think a true feminist is one who wants her soul to thrive as much as any man she will meet . . . without denigrating the differences God has made in each. It is unfortunate that many men have taken those differences to an extreme while denigrating the sameness of the two. Austin's power was her ability to see that real men want to love the whole woman, and not a mere shadow of Eve.
T

[Eilis]

I love that last thing you said there, Tom. I definitely like to be the full human and not just a concept, caretaker, or idea. It’s not always easy finding balance, but I think we’re getting better at it.

Thanks for another great, thoughtful comment.

[kentuck14]

Having raised 3 daughters and now having 5 grand daughters, I care much about this subject.
T

[Eilis]

I would give you a hug if we were in the same room, ha ha. I’m sure the girls in your life are very thankful. Thank you, Tom.

[Robert Trakofler]

Boom this question was recently asked of me from my granddaughter I call her a granddaughter but she is not genetically related to me (wasn't lucky enough to have kids but I did have step kids) So anyway knowing the true intelligence of a (very clever 4 year old) I had to give pause before responding she has a "thinking spot" in font of a vanity in my store and she loves to ask me question there so looking into the Mirror with her I said many people use the term for many things. l could only answer her for what i thought of it, and my define was very simple. Not a single thing a human being can do is truly defined by your sex, boys can do some things a bit easier than girls and girls can do some things a bit easier than boys. But anyone can do anything they want if they put there minds to it. For a long time girls were told they couldn't and that was why feminism came about because they new that wasn't true and they had to fight to get some of those things back. She looked at me with a little nod and smile and put her hand print on the mirror... and of course went straight back to leading me around the store cause she has me wrapped around her finger:)

[Eilis]

Very cool story, Robert. Your granddaughter is lucky to have an attentive and patient partner in conversation. It’s hard knowing what to say to kids. Hence my awkward poem here, ha ha.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Much appreciated by me!

[Robert Trakofler]

I did go off on a tangent now didn't I :)

sorry

[Eilis]

No, I love your story. Those are the kinds of things I love to hear. Regarding poetry and life in general. I’m learning this parenting thing as I go, after all. Ha.

Thanks again!

[PaintedBirdy]

i absolutely love this. so much so that i'm not sure what else to comment. this has mystified me. it's beautiful, and clearly a reflection of you.

[Eilis]

Thanks, yo. I appreciate your comment. Still thinking on it, here, but feels pretty like what I want to say. We’ll see if it changes.