There Will Always Be Another Child

 

There will always be another child

In this house of polyester

In this airless room

A plastic tomb 

The wounds of small hands fester

 

There will always be another child

Unseen, unheard, unversed

With fear besot

He can be taught

To blink once and shoot first

 

There will always be another child

To hush and tell, “lie still”

To mold like clay,

She will obey

Knowing there always will

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

The sounds of an unhappy childhood come forth strongly from this one. Instead of providing a place where a child could thrive, the home was a tomb of sorts, a living death. The second verse indicates a sort of paranoia was instilled, so that the child learned to "shoot first." The last verse seems to say the child was molded deliberately to be submissive. The impression is that the speaker is now an adult, but who bears many of the scars of such a childhood. Sadly, this may reflect the experience of many.

[JayG]

Too often you're bending the line to the needs of the rhyme, or using a reference that's meaningful to you, but for which the reader lacks context.

For example: From a reader's viewpoint, what's a "house of polyester?" You begin reading with context, so for you, it works. And who addresses the problem they don't see as being one? That's why we write from our chair, but must edit from that of the reader.

And why is that true. Why are small hands festering? You know. The reader? Unlikely.

And you might want to look deeper into prosody:

S1L2: IN this HOUSE of POLY ESTER Trochaic, with 4 feet.
S2L2: UnSEEN, unHEARD, unVERSED. Iambic, with 3 feet.
S3L2: To HUSH and TELL, “lie STILL”. Iambic with 3 feet.

Try the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say is amazingly helpful in understanding the flow of language in all kinds of writing.

You might also want to read Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. In addition to being a hell of a poet, she's an excellent teacher, and the book is filled with little gems of knowledge.

But that aside, you're doing far better than most, and, you have the sense to ask for help. Damn few do, or dig as deeply as you already have.