the favor unreturned

2:33am notes app crashout|growing up online

the brief stint of my twenties so far encompasses only the need to understand fragments left of a memory never made. you left me playlists, so many sad songs i cant name reach desperately still across these last 7 years of thoughtless nights. i grow and grow, and grow up still. i become so far removed from the persona wanted of me, but i still feel so guilty. i still feel so ashamed. you need me and i want anyone else, i want you and you need anything else. there's an ouroboros of the hand reaching for yours reaching for mine.

it's cyclical. in my darker days i see the faintest strands of a pattern woven into the stars that sow this discontent. i want away with this way of wanting, i cannot bear another night spent with bloodshot eyes and itchy palms. a silent prayer into the universe becomes nothing more than a life long dream, until the world wakes up and i'm still breathing. empires fall, but moments never cease to be moments. i am shocked to find consequence in inaction. i relish safety in stagnation.

your shadow towers tall against the moonlit backdrop of my mind. the never-ending weight of longing looms against my chest like a witch on the edge of the bed. in sleep i see countless visions of the ways i lose you, and a terrible understanding echoes across every body in which i breathe. we are always meant to be this way, we were never meant to be so far. how many moments stretch across this tapestry of yours? there are some, just a few, embroidered two toned peach and plum that carry the marks of my claws raked across your skin.

last year i reached across star signs, but emulation attempted never bears the same fruit. faced with gemini you return the favor, but in cancer lies the favor unreturned.

 this time casting no blame on inaction.