deli meat monologue/trickster's tangent

“it’s not inherently horrible”, you tell your friends. it’s more so the equivalent of walking into a store and seeing an old friend you had a falling out with. 

she doesn’t see you, so you kind of just linger for a second as you watch her slice deli meat. you notice she has a black polo on, so that means she’s made manager. you kind of congratulate her in your head and wonder what she’s been up to. you realize you don’t have time to idle as you watch your stepdad walk away, so you follow him into the freezer aisle. you can’t help but dread the weird pit of nostalgia forming in your stomach. 

as you walk away you think about how you’ve seen her before in the drive-thru of an old job. you can't tell if she knows that it’s you, or if she chose not to acknowledge you as a courtesy of sorts. the last time you saw her you were 17 working checkout at a grocery store. it didn’t end well. you saw her shopping with her dad now and then, but she never said a thing if you checked them out. you began to hope that she/d never recognize you. 

that was until she thanked you by name while loading up her cart. you zoned out for a second, and realize you must’ve flushed a little before you can mumble something about it being no problem. you realize this because she looks like she regrets saying your name. you can’t bring yourself to say her name back, or even acknowledge that you were once more than an awkward encounter in checkout lane 4. 

part of you thinks that’s due in part to the fact you’re still mad. even though it’s been 3 years and it wasn’t her fault really. you were both kids, and if anything you were the one who got dramatic and ruined the dynamic. another part of you realizes it’s more likely because you can’t bring yourself to face somebody you once loved. 

once someone is gone from your life they tend to linger behind in your mind, haunting you in a way you don’t really know how to describe. you know that if you were to even think for a second about what used to be you would cave in on yourself. you would tell her how sorry you are for saying the things that you did, and fully admit how big a part she played in you becoming the person you are today. you know you would absolutely embarrass yourself beyond belief, so you'd rather say nothing and force a tight lipped smile. 

once she walks away you shut your register light off and go on break. while sitting on a couch that's probably older than you were when you knew reese, you wonder what you’ve done in your life to regret so, so much at such a strikingly young age. 

you get off break and the rest of your shift is uneventful. if there were some oddity that 17 year old you thought was worth mentioning, it’s long forgotten now. the only thing that sticks out about that shift is reese and her dad. you clock out and watch your coworkers walk to their cars and drive away. 

your manager asks if you’re ok to wait, and you reply that you do this almost every night. your mom is definitely on her way. you don't dare whip our you phone until she's driven away, as you’re unsure if your mom is actually on her way. most times she’s out of commission with a bottle in her hand by 6pm. it’s now nearly 9:30.

you call your stepdad once you can’t reach mom, and he says he’s on his way. that’s not too surprising, considering she doesn’t usually tell him she can’t drive until you’ve already been sitting outside the store for 10 minutes.

you don’t particularly like your stepdad anymore, but you do know that indifferent silence is better than mom's drunken slurring. you’d much rather idle awkwardly than hear about how you used to be better, and how she’s been worried sick about you. 

you sit outside shivering. it’s mid october, so it’s not cold enough for you to wear a coat when you clock in at 4pm, but it is cold enough at 9 for you to wish you had brought one anyway. you watch the streetlights illuminate the completely barren parking lot, and wish that the homeless woman who lives behind the closed down k-mart was there to keep you company.

you immediately feel selfish for wishing that, because if she’s not there it means she’s found a bed to sleep in (even if it’s with that boyfriend who doesn’t care about her enough to take her in, but cares just enough to string her along regardless). your 40 dollar wireless earbuds died halfway through your shift because they’re not the best quality, so now you’re left alone with your thoughts. 

you think about tina and her boyfriend, and come to realize you’re not that fundamentally different. though she’s a long retired nurse in her 50s, and you’re a teenage brat working checkout at a grocery store, you both are victims of circumstances outside of your control. the best love either of you can find is from someone who sees you as a commodity, but you both know it is a form of love nonetheless. you cling to that feeling for dear life, for it’s become the only sense of love you’ve known in a while. 

/

now you’re back to being 20, and you think about how your mom doesn’t really self medicate anymore (even though she does have a bad day here and there). you’re starting to get worried that more bad days are approaching, she’s been having some issues at work recently, and when she doesn’t have a job to distract herself she falls back hard on old habits.

you try to not think about that though, because today is going to be a good day. your sister is flying back home from oregon! you do end up thinking about plane crashes, however, and what you would do if she didn’t make it back home. you always get worried when she flies, even if it’s been happening a little over 2 years now.

the same thing used to happen, more or less, when your ex boyfriend would drive back home. every time he sped off you would watch his tail lights get smaller and smaller until he was out of view. deep down you always thought it would be the last time you saw him, and he would end up a stain in a ditch on the side of the road. you’re not entirely sure if these two things correlate somehow, or if you’re just a little paranoid sometimes.

you do know though that you can’t love somebody without feeling like they’re going to leave you. if you don’t think they would leave you willingly you come to the conclusion that the universe will take them away from you.

you’re thinking about your ex boyfriend a little bit more than you usually do, and that’s just been life for the last few days. most nights you go back through screenshots of your conversations and somehow notice things you never knew were warning signs. you hear a song on the radio as you’re driving back home, and you think maybe the song isn’t as sweet as it was at 17. maybe that in itself should’ve been a sign. maybe you knew you were setting yourself up for failure. 

you push the thought down because you’re trying to condition your mind into believing better things. looking back on your past only makes you feel bad, so instead you think about your sister again. you wonder if you'll cry when she steps off the plane, as your newly acquired SSRI free mind has began to process emotions again.

you start to think harder about said SSRIs, and in turn about the therapist that you ghosted. you’ve been telling yourself you’re going to send her an email explaining what happened, but you can’t bring yourself to face her, even if it would just be virtually. as with reese, you would just wind up giving too much of yourself away. 

you know your therapist is the one person who you’re supposed to give yourself away to, but you never could bring yourself to do so. you craved that seal of approval when you tricked her into thinking you were getting better. it gave you some strange sense of satisfaction, and maybe even a sense of control. you’re not sure if you were seeking approval, or if you just wanted someone to think you’re in a good place. 

you realize it was probably because if someone else believes you, then you can trick yourself into believing it too. 

Author's Note

this is old as sin i fear