HOSPICE.

no one will ever change

how much you mean to me.

life breathed into me

by the Creator,

yet it was you who

held me still.

it rushed through my veins,

gave me freedom in fluidity.

every bruise was kissed

and every scrape covered,

your loving hand

to brush away my tears.

i held you 

when you held me.

i saw you

when you saw me.

and the older i became

the more i saw

the sickness we craved.

anything for 

your twisted approval,

a contortionist

i would become.

for family, i would chant.

we are family. i'm your family.

age gave way to truth,

milestones building a rocky path

you always promised

you would walk on.

your hand never felt far.

was it bad i never saw that?

you saw me

when i saw you,

but i never really 

saw you.

two fell to six, fell to eight, fell to ten

to twenty and 

some odd change after.

and the heat from our laughter

no longer keeps

our coffee warm.

you look at me

with such contempt.

a disgust in the eyes

of the one who created me.

my, oh my mother.

no one will ever change

how much you mean to me.

but i'll be right here

until the day this bond expires.

inching ever closer,

bleeding ever softer.

Author's Note

I made myself cry with this one. My relationship with my mother has been...complicated, over the years, something of which you may have picked up on in my other poems. Ive recently been on the agonizing journey of realizing my relationship with my mother is dying, and no matter how much I try to save it, I can't, This poem isnt meant to be good, or bad, just raw and honest.

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

I can only offer tears.. and still more tears.

[FlatDaddy]

I could write much here -- and yet I can't. My relationship with my mother was difficult, the good times so ephemeral as to seem mere dreams, washed away by bad memories. It is odd to me, that my brothers, very different from me and even each other, had more loving relationships with her than I, who lived with her much longer.

This is a strong piece, Emmy, like most of your work.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I relate...a relationship with my mother...very difficult at times...the expectations, the disapproval of what I wanted to do with my life and was doing...I grew up differently from my parents.
Never wanted to have much...never cared except about having good friends and doing something worthwhile...but I never quite made it to that peak my mother wanted me to climb.
She loved me the best she could and I loved her back...but it is hard with a person who can be so reserved and often critical...
I felt this poem.
j.

[MCS]

Your words resonate with me. In my case, it was my father and, at the end, as the hours ticked, and we were out of time, yet the important stuff was not addressed. Then he was gone. Powerful piece of writing, dear poet.

[Betty Hermelee]

Hello!
I can definitely relate to this poem...My relationship with my mother growing up was mostly fear of her... she definitely had psychological problems, which my father related and I tried to keep my distance..... she really did not have the capacity to love....until she died....unlike you I didn't think I could really save my relationship with her, so I became very close to my father.... very bittersweet.... your words are strong and a bit sorrowful.... nice work!
Warmly, B

[DIVYA]

I related deeply to this poem. Thank you for writing it.

I was never my parents favourite. They never really supported me through 7 long years of anorexia nervosa as a teen. Neither in any of my endeavors, later. But somehow, I still kept my daughter with mum and dad when my sister died, so they didn’t feel the void. Now mum is old and lives around me. I do stuff for her and I really do care about her and yet, its very sad but I don't really feel like talking to her more than necessary. I often feel very guilty about it because she is above 80 and at that age when there should be peace but I somehow cant bring myself to absolutely open up to her. Your poem made me feel, I may be okay as I am. Wonderfully written!

[emmeline]

this is so beautiful :,) i find that as i get older i understand more and more why my mom has become the way she is now, and the dichotomy of understanding vs anger never really win against one another. wishing you so much love and healing as you navigate through your relationship with your own mother

[Gee]

Well, are and honest it is.
I have spokespersons very difficult mother, daughter relations in my 60+ years on this planet.
Mothers/sons, fathers/daughters...that seems to be the way of the world and being a father to a daughter I would back that.
My ma in law has lived of with us for what seems forever and is now into the early stages of dementia. My wife, her daughter, is the most kind, caring, living person yet her mum thinks the sun shines out of the arse of her only son, he is a proper prick by the way, who seldom calls and very rarely visits. Hopefully her dementia will have her eradicate him from memory!
A fine piece of writing

[Michael Sun Bear]

Emunah, first let me say what a gift you are to WritersCafe. You write and write and write and it is all meaningful, all beautiful. Thank you. I know all about complicated relationships with one’s parents. You made yourself cry, you made me cry. I am going to confess something I have never told anyone. I fear dying because I fear my parents will be waiting for me, and I do not wish to resume a relationship with either of them. It was too much in this life, no more!

[Emunah June.]

My sweet Michael, you have sincerely touched my heart with your kind words. I appreciate you, and am even happier to know that my work resounds with you.

I am so sorry to hear about your feelings in regards to your parents, but know this: I am one who believes in an afterlife, and if you do as well, then you must know that it'll be peace and blessings -- which by that same measure, would either mean your parents would not be there to disturb that peace, or their poor qualities have been washed away after death, which means relationships with them would be beautiful and meaningful. Either way, you would be safe, and I hope that gives you some comfort.