GLASS HOUSES.

i am the only glass house

i've ever known

to become angry 

when no one else

shatters the way i do.

i want more pieces

in more directions ;

i want the cries to match mine.

i want the pain to match mine.

i want less fractals,

less rainbows,

more gloom.

less life.

i want company 

in my destruction.

they say not to throw stones,

but i'll throw every single one,

and hope you throw them back

so i can throw them worse.

i want to lay

in all my debris

so you can tell me

you hope i never

have to do it again.

i seek pleasure

in artificial purpose.

i don't know how to talk

about anything else.

and doesn't that just 

piss you off?

cuz i sure hate it.

i just want you

to hate it more.

Author's Note

In keeping up with my current mental health journey, I have discovered that I go into this odd state of mind when I am upset. Its like, I know the situation is bad, and I almost purposely escalate it in the hopes that the other party will care I am upset. If the other person seems to show disinterest or a lack of empathy, I'll keep going until I get what I want. What my brain says I need.

Its disgusting, and toxic, and I fear it'll cross into abusive territory soon, which is terrifying when you're feeling like youre outside your body and you want nothing more than to be a good person. There is always that regret later: the shame, the guilt, the embarassment. I always say I'll try a new med, go outside more, cover it in therapy, whatever, but I feel like a lost cause.

Its not like I expect anyone in our little cafe to have the answer. I just pray that translating these struggles of mine into some type of art will help me expel energy I dont know what to do with, and maybe I'll get better.

I really want to get better.

Reviews

[Michael Sun Bear]

And certainly keep writing, this is a great poem by the way.

[Michael Sun Bear]

Emunah, in struggling with my own mental health and difficulties staying sober, I have returned to a discipline from earlier in my life when I was much healthier. I rise before dawn, light a candle, and perform a half hour of spiritual practices. I love you Emunah, and I will include you in my prayers each day. I fear for you, I sense an inner state that could easily cause you to turn to alcohol and other drugs for calming relief. I would like to know more about specifics you refer to. Feel free to email me if you need a friend who probably understands much of what you have experienced and are experiencing. Michael

[FlatDaddy]

I kinda hate to write anything because it might make you mad. But maybe getting mad is what you need. But maybe getting mad at Me is what you need, so get mad at me. Whatever you do, get mad about it and get through it! Everyone wants their Emmy back. I know I do.

[Davidgeo]

Human artillery shells.

It never ends well.

[Lorry]

Once, and long time ago I lived with a woman who acted and reacted in this manner. I actually quite liked it for a while because I became the reasonable one in the relationship.
I did react to her one night though, sleep deprived and annoyed in knowing she was looking for a reaction, but not the one she got. I just grabbed my phone and went to the looming, came back and put my phone down while she had no clue I was recording her, as well as calling her parents, where I knew their answer machine would pick it up.
But as I was leaving for work next day she got a call from her parents and she was shocked into silence.
I left knowing she'd be gone by the time I got home, hoping my house would still be standing and my possessions would be intact.
Now I know this was a terrible way to deal with it, but at the time I did think it was better than screaming at each other, so it won't come as much of a surprise that not only did I never see her again but never heard from her either.
Not the most grown up way to deal with it but better than what I dilome next, which was to move to another part of the country, just in case she came back for vengeance.
If i were to go through the same thing again I would hope to be a bit more grown up about it, but at the time it was the only answer I could find.
I do hope she found someone more understanding and got at least a happier after if not a happy ever after.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Needing to have a companion in that state of upsetness...needing someone else to feel as bad as we do rather than help us out of our desperation.
This is raw and most honest.
j.

[Marie Kinnett]

Your not a lost cause, you can do this. It just takes time, try to set time to yourself to try to look at what you need. I believe that you will get better through time.