Raison d’être (edited)

poem

Raison d’être

The ground is breaking

right beneath my feet

my hope is shaking

oh this is the fate I meet

 

I am lost in my contradiction

between dreams & fate

I accepted without satisfaction

giving me a reason to hate

 

I want my reason to be

not chained in this world

you just wait and see

I’ll break chains with my sword

 

I will reach what is far

with absolutely no wings

until I reach the northern star

and challenge what fate brings.

 

Author's Note

hey, well i read many of you're constructive reviews and re-edited this draft. re-reviews are welcomed ^-^

Reviews

[Ross Saunders]

I really enjoyed the first two lines "My World is breaking/ Oh what to do?" I think that really got this poem off to a good start. While I love the language in this, I think you could do more with the structure. You do well with the rhyme scheme here, but I think you could some more free form work here. While I do think this is an excellent poem, the structure of it is a bit too rigid.

[emmajoy]

Read this twice and while some of the phrasing is great, I find it just a little too contrived .. I agree with another interviewer that maybe you could just let your words flow rather than try to reach rhyme progression all the time.

Not sure about this line: 'Excepted with no satisfaction' .. is that 'except' or 'accepted' - there'd be a different meaning whichever you meant to use.

The final stanza really reaches into me though .. guess we all want changes on this world. Your words there are very moving in places

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I will reach what’s far
Without wings
I’ll know how worlds are
And change all things.

I love that last stanza, going outside your comfort zone and going for what many would deem impossible... to try and fail is success... to never try is the only failure.

[Constance-Outspoken]

I disagree with Taylor. I like the first stanza just as it is. To me its the second that is a little forced and awkward.
Have you ever tried writing with no rhyme or pattern, just writing to see what flows out? I write like that quite often and then find that its perfectly decent poetry to some who read it. I think more freedom would suit you.
The first and last stanzas are the best in this. In fact, it would be a great short poem, just those two stanzas. Keep writing. I like your ideas.
C

[Taylor H.]

My world is breaking

Oh what to do?

My hope is shaking

But giving up? Hell no


this stanza came off kinf of awkward...I think it was the last line that through it off.

but the rest of the poem is great, the flow was good and the rhymes were original. Great job.