A trickle

                                  

Making it's way down that lovely cheek

Bantering every minuscule and giant blackhead on its way,

A drop of tear finally succeeded in entering her insensate mouth

Like a river forming a delta in its final stage.................................

...................

The only exception was her mouth,

Not being exactly triangular in shape!

Author's Note

I couldn't sustain the river-delta imagery for a longer period of time,it seems!
Anyway,sorry to disappoint:)

Reviews

[Willard Wells]

A fun exercise and a fun piece. I find myself sometimes in mid writing and the concept I was going for just kind of goes away. Thanks for sharing.

[fattycbreezy52]

true that haha and thanks a lot:)

[....................]

A nice image, FcB... it takes a few attempts to sometimes see the metaphor all the way through to the end...

I thought the piece could have ended perfectly at the end of the fourth line, though I see what you were going for...

and the word 'bantering' should be 'bantering with', perhaps, if you meant conversation, or perhaps 'navigating' if you meant moving around...

still, a powerful image that trickles can turn into a delta

[fattycbreezy52]

Wowwww such an insightful review.Thanks a lot:)

[....................]

my pleasure, and I forgot to mention, but I love the picture too...

[fattycbreezy52]

oh wowwww............that's a bonus.Thanks again!:)

[ANTO]

Only Darth Vader has a triangular mouth and his life is hell - all he can eat are those cheese triangles and toast cut into four triangles. So the girl is unlucky to be crying but lucky not to have a triangluar gob. This is a great example of life balancing out - the yin and yo
keep 'em coming FcB - better than anything I've written in a while.

[fattycbreezy52]

LoL turns out that the triangular river-delta imagery was not that stupid,after all.I am grateful.Thankyou Anto:)

[ANTO]

There once was a girl: FattyBreezy
For whom creating poems came easy
She opened her mind
Like a sewer - half the time ;p
But she was always laid back and easy*

*easy going, that is...

[fattycbreezy52]

lol lol lol...............Wow,like a sewer half the time-___-

[ANTO]

Well I have to live in it - still squatting (as in illegal tenant - not the other) lol
Im glad you see always the funny side
Its a great quality to have.

[fattycbreezy52]

Yes,yes,,,,,,,,,,,I am the funniest woman alive on this green (but not so much ,now) planet of yours;D

[ANTO]

Im just a passenger on this blue ball too.

lmao @ funniest woman alive - That reminds me of the joke that the (not so great) stand-up comedian used to tell.
He said,"They all laughed when said i would be a stand-up comedian. Well, they aren't laughing now."

[fattycbreezy52]

aha....quite motivating;D

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You give great description to this, almost magnify the image for the reader in the detail and it sounds melancholy. I was a little unsure about the ending though?

[fattycbreezy52]

Well it's a failed imagery.I could not sustain it.I don't think the last part dealing with delta is that apt.It is apt in one way as in going into her mouth and ending there like a river.But,since the mouth is not exactly triangular,can it be identified with a delta?
That perplexed me and muddled up the whole thought process I guess;D
But still I posted because i guess it has not entirely skidded off the runway;D

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ah one of the skills of the writer is crafting. Working at a piece until you are happy with it. I have just changed two of mine as i was still unhappy. People like Leslie Philibert are master craftsmen who only publish when they have sculpted their verses. Me I am no craftsman so i often see the flaws later or someone offers me their perspective.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I guess you could use something like 'washing the silt from her heart' to keep the river delta theme?

[fattycbreezy52]

that could have been amazing tooo.!And yes,i have never thought so much about writing but you are right at some point we do feel something's not correct.