Old Man of Undertow

Ten lines off the top of my head. Rough draft.

Waves recede --
and abrasive sand
absolves my hands.
From a journey swept,
I gasp for breath...

 

Sun lashes my back.
Falling on knees,
a new world awaits --
if I can escape
the ocean's grasp.

 

Author's Note

Added punctuation, perhaps one step closer to being less obscure.

Reviews

[Adam Chambers]

obscure can be good! check out Richard Brautigan ("beat" poet)-- poetry foundation site has a good collection of his stuff... I like this, Michael. One suggestion: how would it sound if the rhyme scheme was not so solid; i.e. it came and went, ebbed and flowed so to speak; ?
btw, thanks for reading and commenting on my stuff, and particularly on my son's poem-- he was so psyched! : )
How's it going?
---Adam