Double-Digit Departure

When I turned 20, I wrote an elegy for myself, just in case. Now that I'm 21...... I think I'd still use it. :D

 

Twenty year old

Hands and feet

Fingers and toes

A double-digit hero.

 

Fingers to type

Words that bite,

Words to wake

The dead

Only sleeping;

Resting minds

Having grown obese.

 

Twenty year old

Neurons and dendrites

Pulses and electricity

Flicker, illuminate

Now cut, frayed

Cease to vibrate.

A double-digit disaster.

 

Hands to bind

Fists that choke blood flow

Fists to fight only by pen

Fight by word

Fight by idea

Striking hard with every stroke

With every delivered blow.

 

Twenty year old

Body and spirit

Sixty year old

Heart and soul

Drifted away

A rotting memory

 

A double-digit departure

tonight.

 

Reviews

[Boonrassi]

Fingers (to) type

//not needed..


Words to wake

The dead

//cool..

Having grown obese.

//not great.. needs work.


Twenty year old

Neurons and dendrites

Pulses and electricity

//its ok.. could be more potent, more slammy. which, i know thats what you want. you want to slam.

Flicker, illuminate

//hit those words with a thesaurus.. itll take about one minute.

Now cut, frayed

//cool..


Hands to bind

Fists that choke blood flow

Fists to fight only by pen

//all these 'tos' and 'thats' sap the strength from your words.

Fight by word

Fight by idea

//holy crap there are great words for 'fight'.

Striking hard with every stroke

With every delivered blow.

//awkward..

Drifted away

A rotting memory
A double-digit departure

tonight.

//ultra cool beat on the last word. nice.
try an established poetic form. you might really like it.
the cinquain form by line.
2 syllables
4
6
8
2
freakin try one man.
i have one up.
An Incantation Against Illness
laterz,
T

[Berkley Conner Jr]

man I am only 19 but my body feels 60 and my mind feels 80 and senile. A very nice write keep it up. PS I reopened my pain contest check it out

[Marie]

This was a nice write. Sometimes it helps to write about yourself, not just for you, but for those around you. Thanks for sharing.

[Niki Nonsense]

very nice. i'm 20 so i think that's why i love it. :)