SLAVE TO THE PAIN

What pain do you succumb to?

SLAVE TO THE PAIN

I slave away to this pain.
My heart tarnished by a stain,
A stain you anointed in disgust,
A stain that corrodes me, so unjust.

My heart torn, drowning in malevolent tone.
Soon the flesh will give way to the bone,
Feelings and emotions will pour out,
My mind shrivel in this emotive drought.

Thoughts collapsed and memories denied,
The remnants of my conscience crucified.
My hollow shell plagued by a disease,
Call off your hounds; I beg you please.

The stain has rippled through me like a quake,
This nightmare must end, only I can’t wake.
My breath of life gushes a rebellious bleed,
A fragment of my former self, I grudgingly concede.

A symphony of tears washes over me,
The Grim shadow, just won’t let me be.

Author's Note

Awarded 2nd in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Love-%26-Pain/11710/
Awarded bronze in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Sweet-Suffering./11571/
Awarded 5th in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Pen-and-Ink-Poetry-Contest/11441/

Reviews

[Devons]

I think the flashes of violent imagery within this poem are what make it a little more than the ordinary introspection that we are used to from many poems: "The flesh will give way to the bone"/ "My mind shrivel in this emotive drought"/ "Call off your hounds"/ "Life gushes a rebellious bleed"... All very powerful and clinical emotive descriptions which evoke the desperate straits of the mind and soul.
The only weak point, I think, is the first verse: the rhyming just seems that little bit too forced. Overall, though, a good piece of work, and with a fierce strength of description.

[*~Kristy~*]

I loved the intensity and passion inside this poem. You said to read your writing, and to be honest. I was expecting to have to be negatively honest, but I don't! This is really really amazing! I really did like this one a lot, I think I'm going to add it to my library! KUDOS

[Jennifer Pennington]

wow this is deep and beautifully intense. i can relate my friend.

[Lady Celery]

Wow... just wow. That was expressive and emotional. It was really amazing. I love the style that it's written in... I can tell you're putting a lot of effort into your work. It's really paying off. I thought it was really an incredible work of art. It had a sense of pain and wistfulness, and it was really descriptive (in a sense). The rhyming worked really well and the whole poem had a good flow.

I can't wait to read more of your work!

~Julia T.

[Awdures]

A tender and heartwrenching look at defeat. Amazing writing style-you're so expressive. Broke my heart to read. Keep up the good work.

[lyssilou]

The poem was amazing! I had felt that it was very discriptive and sounds like a lot of pain to be in. I can honestly say that was really good. I wish I could write like you and be so deep in the writing.

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Captivating, and very fluid emotional piece. Loved the rhythm, rhyme and it didn't lose the natural feel of the emotions through the creativity of the overall flow. The quatrain that really stood out would be:

Thoughts collapsed and memories denied,
The remnants of my conscience crucified.
My hollow shell plagued by a disease,
Call off your hounds; I beg you please.

A high sense of creative realism flowing through very consistant that makes the reader feel a a great deal of sympathy.. sad but moving with some bitterness and anguish towards the final surrender to the disease. Some mystery left to the ailment but it also creates a doorway to being a very universal read to anyone feeling such pain or even related to another going through such. I review more on emotions than format but this was really good with excellent hard-hitting word choices that touch the heart. Very well done and welcome to WC!