What Once Was

ages past

left with dust

as a bell chimes in mourning

cracks creep up

consuming iron

and leave the stone to rain

fires raze the earth

surrendering ash to the wind

sheeting the yellow sun

spiders nimbly climb

to spin their web

but leave behind a desperate reminder

ravens crowd and peck

the barren land

and steal the stale air

the sky darkens

midnight holds no chance of hope

feet tread near

scuffling and hopelessy lost

searching for the abandoned dream

Author's Note

another older one please review!

Reviews

[fireblossom]

I like this poem and I like this style. You hold the vision in focus and let the thoughts flow. This shows talent and dedication.

Of course this poem is a metaphor for human life and human endeavor. This takes your poem beyond the moment or beyond a mere experience to give it a classic nature.

Very good writing.

[Dream Weaver]

Love your play on words here, such strong
imagery compliments the flow of this piece.
Nicely done Alana...

[bob, small b. aka invs]

pretty bleak and apocalyptic. i like it exactly as it's written. i don't know if there is meaning beyond the feeling that it leaves, but that feeling is pretty intense. nicely done.

[Michael X]

wow, your imagery is powerful and stunning, such details bring this poem to life in the readers mind, pondering the essense of what defines the title, your desriptions do so tellingly- what it means to create a memory as a moment in time to reflect, in many ways. a pleasure to read, thanks for sharing your talent.

[RAWR!]

aaah nice!
very awesome, ooh i love the images i see in my head when i read this :)

[Father Mojo]

i've read and re-read this, and i think it would be more effective with a deliberate manipulation of the meter, though i have no suggestions how to do so. i've broken it down in various forms but ultimately could offer nothing that made me happy, so i cannot offer and advice that is constructive. a few editorial suggestions are:

1) remove the "the" before wind in the eighth line;
2) lines 10 & 11 could be one line "nimble spiders clime, spinning webs";
3) line 12 "but leave" could be "leaving"--and make change "desperate" and "reminder"--something like "leaving behind abject hints";
4) "congregating raven scratch the vacant soil";
5) instead of saying "the sky darkens" say something like "the sky soaked in shadows";
6) then maybe "midnight clings to hopelessness";
7)and then, "scuffling feet tread near, impossibly lost"
8) then maybe something like, "vainly seeking the forsaken dream..."

i'm not trying to re-write it for you; just some suggestions. the questions for poetry such as this is "How efficiently can you show the reader what you want the reader to see?" show, don't tell and let the words themselves set the pace and paint the picture.

Good start!