Chapter 10.4 - The Bondage of Choice

The Otherworld had revealed its wondrous strangeness to Claire and she was taken by its beauty. She was eager to find out more about it, but there was one thing that irked her: the fact that she could be snatched from whatever activity she was involved in at any time and dragged down the guts of creation to weird places she didn’t know existed with or without her consent. On top of that she was invariably chastised for these occurrences, as if she had any choice in the matter. In one of those rare moments when her self decided to shed its submissiveness she figured that if she was going to be scolded, at least it should be for something she did on purpose. 

She approached the mirror with way too little trepidation given her forbidden intent and pressed her hand against the glass, smiling when she heard the crackle of energy currents unlock the gate between the worlds. Both worlds were there, competing for her focus, so she closed her eyes to the one she had entered from. She saw the path, still covered in dark leaves, and followed it through meadows and valleys to the banks of a large stream. There she stopped and waited for her kin to show up, she waited until the sun and the moon made a full circle around the earth. On the dawn of the next day a woman emerged from the water. She had wet hair the color of ripe reeds that stuck to her features. She didn’t talk because she didn’t have to but their silent conversation made Claire’s face grow gloomier and gloomier until she ripped her hand off the mirror and found herself back in the lobby with Grandmother staring at her.

“What on earth were you thinking,” Grandmother started, but Claire responded before she had time to add anything.

“I had to know.”

“Was it worth it, at least?”

“I don’t know, maman.”

“You look sad,” Grandmother noted, pushing her gently towards the kitchen where at least they could sit down. “What happened?”

“They told me I had to choose,” Claire frowned. “They said I can’t be in this world and in the other because they’re too different for me to be able to wrap my life around both of them.”

“It kind of makes sense if you think about it,” Grandmother said.

“Why is that?” the young woman turned defensive.

“Well, frankly, Claire, this schlepping around between worlds, never knowing which one you’re going to be in, it makes you look weird.”

“Who said I’m weird? Give me one example,” Claire pouted.

“Everybody!” Grandmother exclaimed. “Even crazy Jane thinks you’re too dangerous to socialize with.”

“It’s not like I chose this,” Claire got really upset.

“No, but you can decide how to respond to it. What did they say?”

“They said that I should join them and forget about this world altogether. They said there was nothing here that could even compare with life in their realm. They said that as long as I still have a foothold in this world I will never be happy.”

“See? This is what I’m talking about. Now you’re conflicted, your art suffers, your grandfather is upset, you can’t focus on your tasks and you don’t have any meaningful relationships. How do you expect to have a life when you don’t know whether you’re going to be in it from one moment to the next?”

“So what do you want me to do?” Claire protested.

“Give up the Otherworld. It’s for the dead and for the beings who belong there. Leave it be and never go back. Forget about it so you can focus on your art and the people who love you right here.”

“That’s exactly what they said! If you substitute happiness for art, almost word for word.”

“Why would you even consider doing something as unseemly as going there for good?” Grandmother asked revolted.

“Everlasting youth immediately comes to mind. Besides, I think their culture is more advanced than ours.”

“I’m sure it is! That’s why they need your grandfather to tend the land for them. They never do anything!”

“I don’t think they need to do anything. They seem to be everything, or at least animate it,” Claire continued her discovery process. “And since when is Jane the arbiter of proper conduct? Last time she was here Grandfather suggested a restraining order.”

“That’s because your behavior led everybody in town to believe you do unnatural things!” Grandmother retorted.

“I do do unnatural things! Does any of this look natural to you?” 

“At least you can choose not to do them on purpose!” Grandmother grew increasingly upset.

“So it’s perfectly fine if these things happen to me, but if I choose to do them of my own will, then they are wrong?”

“Yes!” Grandmother cut the conversation short. “Claire, I wish nothing but the best for you and I love you more than you can ever imagine and I’m telling you right now that you have to make a choice, God willing the right one. You can’t  go on living like this!”

“What’s with all the racket,” Grandfather joined the conversation at the worst possible time.

“Nothing,” Grandmother decided to end the argument and watched the pot of rice milk on the stove in silence.

“I heard you two talk about advanced cultures and the spirit of things, you didn’t cross to the other side, did you?” he looked at his granddaughter and exclaimed disappointed. “Claire!”

“There is no need to make a big deal out of this,” Grandmother tried to smooth things over. “She made a mistake and she knows not to do it again. I don’t think we need to dwell on it any longer.”

“Heaven forbid!” Claire thought. “Whatever realities there are that don’t fit with what should be my reason for living must immediately be wiped out of existence, nothing to see here!”

Maybe both sides had a point about the difficulties of living in two worlds if one were to consider this instance alone: she could have had a pleasant afternoon, comfortable and content and instead she was arguing with her grandparents and having to defend her choices. 

After an hour of soul searching, which she spent in silence because everybody was now mad at her, and during which she reviewed her life beginning with early adulthood, she couldn’t get over the absurdity of the proposition: she’d been nothing but anchored in reality and nose deep in making the right choices for her entire life out there in the ‘normal’ world, which turned out to be a fistful of nothing, then she came here, in this place chock full of ‘not normal’ and became Artist Claire. Now she had to abandon the realm which had actually inspired her to start painting again in order to ‘be normal’ and succeed in her artistic endeavors. The most outrageous affront to logic she had ever heard! On the other hand the other world, whose threshold she didn’t manage to breach when she didn’t have anything better to do now wanted her to abandon everything she had started and leave whatever passed for ‘normal’ around here in order to experience never ending bliss. Why not wait until after her earthly demise and do it then, when she didn’t have other options anyway?

She managed to work herself into a state of agitation while thinking about all of this and got mad at both sides for trying to run her life for her and tell her how she should feel. An entire host of emotions overwhelmed her, blessed memories of child Claire at her grandfather’s knee in the garden and the mundane details of life in the house of her grandparents, where there wasn’t a care in the world, and then more feelings followed, of her place within nature and her intangible bond with the old oak tree who had cradled her dreams since she was three, who fired up her imagination, comforted her and forged her will. The two halves of the wealth of experiences which had made her who she was. 

If there was one thing she was sure about it was that she didn’t want to renounce half of herself.