A narcissist with a guitar

This was a message I sent to my ex boyfriend. The title is because he was a guitarist in a band lol and I’m no psychologist but he’s a text book narcissist. And unfortunately I still love him.

I know all too well the pain you are enduring, that’s the exact way (and then some) I felt for our whole relationship. Now you feel the bone shivering pain that riddled my body everyday. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of gratification in your suffering but in the same breath I would also ask the world to forsake me in exchange to make the agony stop for you; to make you happy. I don’t mean to insinuate that I am foremost but I wholeheartedly acknowledged my wrongdoings and tried my hardest to repair the damage I had done. And that’s the biggest difference between me and you. I was able to forgive. I saw your flaws and I didn’t only accept them but I understood them. I was able to recognize the reasons behind your actions, behind your deceit, behind your animosity. I, against all good judgment stood by your side. I aggressively defended your name. After everything. After everything, Eddie. I still saw the good in you. I still willingly offered you my love and kindness. I no longer feel that same longing though. I don’t feel that earth shattering love for you anymore. It feels different because it is. It feels uncomfortable because it is. It doesn’t feel the same because it’s not. I finally chose myself instead of you and I realize now that I always will. You were not able to give me the love that I asked for and more importantly deserved. The hardest part is that I, without question gave you that love everyday. This; me, is a loss you will have to live with. My heart was in the right place and I tried laboriously for you. And though I failed to keep you I know I gave it every effort. I am not ignorant and I know my pride clouded me. I can admit that I committed malicious acts to spite you. My ego was vindictive and vengeful. I guess your misguided retaliation helped rationalize it all. But even so, you have no right to act superior. And don’t, even for a minute or for a second think that I am the one who came out on top of this. I writhed in pain just to share the same air as you. I don’t wish to crown a winner but if I had to, it’s you. You bested me. You broke me. You won, Eddie. Good game. I am done playing now. I give up. Find yourself a new unsuspecting player.