Stop Traveling

This is the same as the traveling poem but with commentary as if it were coming from my head during the drive into the painful relationship.

It’s too foggy
I can’t see ahead
Your barriers hit the ground
You won’t let me through
That voice in my head says quietly “turn around”
There’s something up ahead
I can’t seem to make it out
Once I’m closer though it’s clear
I hear that voice again a little louder “stop”
It’s a sign that spells danger is near
I ignore the warnings
I drive the wrong way
I can’t seem to shake it I hear “please don’t”
I have no direction and I start to sway
My lights go out
I am moving blind
Now this voice is shrieking “go no further”
The road is tough and winding
It gets dangerous to steer
There’s still so far to go
I refuse to turn back
Now I’m screaming “this isn’t want you want”
I press the gas
There’s a neutral speed
The drive becomes instinctive
I remember these turns
I’m crying in the rearview mirror “don’t make this mistake again”
Then it’s suddenly so clear
I’ve been down this road before
I no longer feel such fear
The end starts to disappear
I know now I don’t make it out
With my last breath I whisper “someday I’ll stop coming here”

Reviews

[JayG]

The poem works perfectly for you. But, you cheat. before reading the first word, you know what it’s about, why it matters, and more. You have full context, and, intent for the meaning of every line.

But as a reader?

• It’s too foggy

For what? Mental fog or physical?

• I can’t see ahead

Wouldn’t this make more sense, and provide context, were this the first line?

• Your barriers hit the ground

MY barriers hit the ground? Why did they fall? Did you push them? Barriers to what? Without your intent to guide me, and lacking context, I’m lost. Yes, I can see it’s allegorical, but to what? That’s part of why you write from your chair, but must edit from that of a reader, knowing only what they do.

• You won’t let me through

To what, and why? No way to tell, and that’s the problem. How can you emotionally involve the reader if it’s 100% you talking about things meaningful only to you?

There’s nothing wrong with your writing skills, except that you’re telling, not showing. And by showing, I mean making he reader experience, instead of being informed.

Suppose I said: “I’ll never forget that time in Mexico, with Fred. I’ll bet that rooster was never the same after we left.”

After I read it, I might laugh.” Fred might laugh. But to you, I presented effect without cause. So while you might say, “Tell me about it,” in person, were it something you’re reading, it’s a fact presented without context. And in writing, context is everything.

Make sense?

[gabbyhopeharo]

• It’s too foggy
Driving or “traveling” down a road I can’t see clearly. Unknown, cloudy, disorienting, scary but foggy to play in the analogy I wanted to present, a car crash.
For what? Mental fog or physical?
Mental fog is what I want it to mean, physical fog is the definition I put on paper.
• I can’t see ahead
I want you to know I’m lost at this moment, for when the end comes I know exactly where I am as I always have. I lead myself to my ultimate destination of destruction, finally realizing that I’m in control of the “wheel”
Wouldn’t this make more sense, and provide context, were this the first line?

• Your barriers hit the ground
The barriers are what he puts up to stop me from entering his life. The barriers are his. In my head I see gates slamming down, no entry. The barrier is what’s stopping my car, or trying to anyways. Any sane person wouldn’t continue on a path set with barriers.
• You won’t let me through
The physical barriers discussed above won’t let me through (but the barriers are an analogy for something intangible, mental barriers I guess?)This is also the very start of the warnings you see throughout the journey.

[gabbyhopeharo]

I appreciate the feedback and it makes sense to me. I can see how this poem would only resonate with me. Its deep meaning only means something to me.

[JayG]

Exactly. That's why we write from our chair, but must edit from the chair of the reader, who has what the words suggest to them, based on their life experience.