Maskd Love

When fresh and new
We were that whirlwind
Of passion and true love

And yet slowly
Over the years
I realized I had blinders on

As the seeming truth
Dripped like wax
Off of your true intentions

The web of entrapment
That encases my heart
Was weaved without malice

Yet the words you have written
Upon my life
Are filled with questions

You say you love
This I know is true
But are you in love?

You share with others
Such wonderous things
Yet leave me in twilight

The walls you built
Long before me
Have never come down

I only get your light
When begged or guilted
Should it not be free will?

I love you more than anything
Would lose it all or die
Just for a moment

A moment of you true

Reviews

[Freya]

Hi Author,
I have read your poem and I really liked it. You have defined each character so well you are a brilliant writer. I am a commission-based artist, and it would be an honor for me if collaborate.
If you think it's a good fit, I would love to create something for you aswell.
Gmail:[e-mail]
Instagram:freyamill13
Discord:freyamill
X(Twitter):FreyaMill88
Thank's for your consideration

[JayG]

• When fresh and new We were that whirlwind Of passion and true love

We were? Darling wife...have you come back from the grave to talk to me?

Seriously, you forget that only you have the context to make the line meaningful. The reader has to take the meaning the words suggest to them as they’re read. So you just told the reader that you and that reader had a passionate relationship. It’s not what you meant, of course. But it is what you said. And given that there is no second first-impression, clarifying later helps not at all.

See the problem? It’s why we need to edit from the seat of a reader, knowing only what that stranger will know, and believe, as each line is read.

Part of the problem is that you’re presenting this as if you, someone unknown, are talking to someone not introduced, about events never clarified.

My point is that you’re informing the reader on things that matter to you, as if the reader has context. But there’s a near lifetime of events and interaction inherent to that piece that are called up when you read it, events that the reader has no access to. That’s one of the reasons we need to edit from the seat of a reader who has the meaning the words suggest to them, and only the context we provide or evoke.

In any case, talking TO the reader is a nonfiction approach. They’re informed, yes, but the goal of poetry is to move the reader emotionally. Not in sympathy or agreement, thougth, because the reader is seeking an emotional experience as a form of entertainment. So, instead of saying something like, “I cried at the funeral," we give the reader a reason to weep. We make them care, and feel, not be better informed on our life.

With only the words you choose you can make someone you will never meet laugh or cry. You can stir passion to the point where they go seeking their significant other with plans for the next hour.

Such power is amazing, but to use it you must first understand how it works—which we learned nothing about in our school years, because the goal, there, was to ready us for employment, And not many employers want us to write poetry during work hours.

So, a few suggestions.

1. For a good basic introduction to the nuts-and-bolts issues of poetry, download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook: https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

2. Read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of words will amaze.

3. And make use of the Shmoop site. Log in as Student. Then use the midpage pushbutton to select Poetry. Lots of great work there, analyzed deeply to show how and why they work.

So…I know this wasn’t what you were hoping to see, but since it’s something invisible to the author till it’s pointed out, I thought you’d want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/