razer blade

i it in my hand

just to get a feeling

of the pain i am about to bear

that may just have no feeling

i've cut my self before

but i didn't  even cry

this time i'm serious 

i really want to die

this all happened over a boy

i loved him so

but he cheated on me

so, i let him go

well i cut my wrist so deep now

there is no turning back

i don't look so good

my face is turning black 

i see my body below 

but who else do i see

my cheating x-boyfriend

crying while holding me

i find myself loving him so

i try to run to him

but i get dragged to the pits

and finally my life goes dimm.....

Reviews

[Mae]

This is incredibly sad.. emotional and really intense. I really like this.

[serenity]

haha thank you

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

Hello! I have some thoughts about your poem razor blade. You can take or leave any of my suggestions, but just remember that they are just that- suggestions. :)


"i it in my hand" ---- you are either missing a word hear or need to revise the line so that it flows nicely.

"just to get a feeling
of the pain i am about to bear
that may just have no feeling" --- Your first three lines contradict the fourth line. The speaker in the poem seems to understand the feeling that a razor will give, so the last line doesn't make complete sense in this context.

"i've cut my self before
but i didn't even cry" --- Are you saying that your speaker has never cried before the present time in which the poem is taking place? If so, maybe find a different way to show this to be more clear.

"this time i'm serious
i really want to die" --- There is usually a difference between cutting and trying to commit suicide. Cutting is just as serious, so I think you want to establish that your speaker has either thought about committing suicide before the present time in your poem, or change it up a bit and say something kind of like "the cuts will be more serious" to give the readers a feel that this is just the breaking point.

"well i cut my wrist so deep now
there is no turning back
i don't look so good
my face is turning black " --- this is the only stanza that rhymes and I would be careful not to break your rythm with a rhyme.

"my cheating x-boyfriend" --- ex-boyfriend

"i find myself loving him so" -- this line is a little awkward in the sense that the speaker has already found themselves loving the ex-boyfriend since that is why they couldn't bear the pain of betrayal. So, it shouldn't be a new discovery.

The theme of your poem is trite - in order to bring your audiance in and capture them with this tale is to make it new and refreshing. Maybe make it longer and not so straight forward? There are plenty of ways that you could turn this subject into something that more people will not see as juvenile and stale.

I hope this helps a little.

Thank you for sharing your work!
+YourMidnightSecret+

[serenity]

ok thanks

[Rum-Zee]

very nice :) and sad :(

[serenity]

thank u

[Rum-Zee]

your very welcome