Father

my father is walking with a limp
this man whom I've always seen as unstoppable
invincible 

 

immortal.

 

the villainous hero whom i've always had to love
watched fall drunkenly
down stairs
and throw cousins through glass bathroom
doors

 

the hero whom i've never imagined having an ending

 

he's limping.

 

left leg aching and i can
see the age in his eyes
who am I to not know this man
there is so much behind him that
i've never questioned or even began to understand

 

years of drinking
and throwing his family [me] away
yet here he is.
sober.
an on and off smoker
a hard worker
someone i love
but know nothing about

 

my heart is unsure of what feelings
it should be sending.
because how can i be almost
crying
over someone i've never sat and had a talk with?

 

who my first memory of is
side view mirror shattering
hand crushed and bleeding
mother screaming
lock the doors lock the doors
and my sister crying

 

the fight I remember perfectly
but have never understood
I can still smell the alcohol on his
breath so clearly

 

how is this man,
my father,
someone I know nothing about?

and let alone,
where do I start?
How do I find some way to say
"hey,
i'm your daughter rachel
who I don't think you've
really ever met before.
do you know
[or care to]
that I write poetry like
a mad woman,
and yes my arm
is a growing collection
of scars,
but i am moving forward
slowly."

 

How do I even begin to
know him?
What kind of questions do
I ask to a man whom i've
never fully trusted?
Who I can guess,
is just as confused as I am?

 

and I sit here
in his office
after seeing him for
the first time in what seems
like years, and I can smell
him all around me
no alcohol
just his odd mix
of old spice and
zippo
with saw dust always in
his hair
and oil on his hands
his jeans ripped at the
knees from use and hard
work that I have yet to
understand.

 

how do I begin a relationship
that seems like a dead
end from the start?
with this foreign person
who's always been there
but never here for me

 

this man who I see in me
every time i look in the mirror
i have his eye brows
his cheek bones.
not his short legs
but his hands and his
feet.
I have his eyes
his fine hair
i have small mimic's of
his ears.
but do i have any of his soul
in me?

 

its nature verse nurture
here really.
because I love him because
he's my father.
and I am part of who he is.
  physically.
but mentally
are we even close?
will I ever know?

with his limp and his
back pain
his life span reaching close
to its mid 50's
what time do I have left?
and how can i save any of this?

 

i do not want to be my mother.
forever unsure if my father
knew me. Let alone loved me.
but i am not his favorite.
no little sister am I,
with perfect grades and an
unscarred life.
i've seen the badly painted insides
of mental hospitals
and tasted a thousand cures
for depression and/or anxiety.

 

but she has his alcoholism
something I have yet to share
and that i am proud of.

 

something he'll never know.
so how can i compete with
perfection staring at me from
her 'untainted' eyes?

 

where do i start?

 

I suppose tomorrow at
breakfast i'll have to try to
play my part.

 

Reviews

[Michael Handel]

This was touching and well written. I especially enjoyed your flow with the rhythm and the rhyme...

yet here he is.
sober.
an on and off smoker
a hard worker
someone i love
but know nothing about....

who my first memory of is
side view mirror shattering
hand crushed and bleeding
mother screaming
lock the doors lock the doors
and my sister crying

[Jon Cooper]

This is really amazing.

This really stood out to me:

""hey,
i'm your daughter rachel
who I don't think you've
really ever met before.
do you know
[or care to]
that I write poetry like
a mad woman,
and yes my arm
is a growing collection
of scars,
but i am moving forward
slowly.""

Very good. I'm glad you told me about it the other night, it stands out very well.

[run vs remember]

Whoa...it seems like you just cut out a piece of your heart and threw in on the floor in front of us. These are powerful, powerful words. I don't even know what to say.
favorite lines -
"someone I love, but know nothing about."
"hey, I'm your daughter rachel, who I don't think you've really ever met before.
I'll pray things get better with you and your dad.
way to write.

[Steve Thompson]

this was a strong poem, attached with a dose of your reality, and a dark love tone...Really enjoyed the read...

[MagicHearted Knight]

Oh my God Rachel!
WOW!!!!
This is an amazing piece.
As a someone who felt very disconnected from my father at times in my life, this piece speaks to me on a very real and honest level.
As a father, it pulls to the surface a sense of pain and sadness that leaves my heart aching for you as well as with you.
Once again you have found a very pure and unbreakable way to tie into the truest of human emotions. And as always I am sincerely taken back by your immeasurable gift.
Thank You for once again bring us on this journey along side you.

[Parker Pearl]

this.is.incredible.
ohmygod.

this is the best thing i've ever read of yours.
your stream-of-consciousness/journal style
rings so incredibly crystal clear in this piece.
it nearly knocked me to my knees.

beautiful, honest, TRUE.

amazing work.