Hell Is Hot But You Love The Heat

I'm inspired by my boyfriend's ability to be a jackass.

She's sitting on the sidewalk, waiting for you to come say goodbye. You're leaving on a f*****g three week family vacation, right in the middle of the most stressful time of her life, and you don't care enough to give her 5 minutes. You're getting high right now, in fact. Which she hates. She hates the smell and the way it changes you into such a dick. You get high and fall asleep in a field and forget to call her and then trap her inside of your letters and poems like the stupid b*****d you are. If she didn't love you, she would leave you. If you weren't so goddamn understanding, she wouldn't put up with your s**t. She doesn't deserve that. At all.

One of your stupid friends comes out and tells her that you're not available at the moment. His eyes look just like yours. They used to be so beautiful, like a forest full of pine trees and hammocks that she could hang in for days. But then you went to that first party. And then the next party. And the next one. Now your eyes are just rocks. Cold and dirty and smelly, disgusting rocks. 

She gives him the message to tell you to go f**k yourself and takes off down the street. She's so angry at you that she nearly turns around and runs into the house to slap you and tell you that she's done, but she remembers all of your good moments. If you weren't such a god, especially in the backseat of her mother's pontiac parked in a farmer's field, she would finish it right then and there. If you didn't hold her so perfectly when she realized that her parents were trying to kill each other, she would be gone. If you hadn't laid with her on the football field and let her write curse words all over your body in revenge of your debilitating tickling, she wouldn't give two s***s about you. 

If only you weren't everything she wanted. 

If only the world weren't such a wide open space full of people hurting each other because they've been hurt so badly.

She's so logical that she does exactly what no one else would ever do. She takes your side. Your life is hard too. You have problems. S**t goes down. It's all a big mess. And maybe you need the drugs. Maybe they're good for you. Maybe they give you a reason to live.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. It's all so beautiful when you take away the pain.

Why do you need drugs? Why isn't she your reason to live? Why can't you just feel some goddamn emotion, give her something to work with? Stop saying you don't know, stop making her angry, stop blaming everything else.

Forget about your life and let her forget hers. All you are is you and all she is is her. 

It's so simple and it's so hard, but she's dying in this town and you've got to save her.

She blocks out thoughts of you and focuses on herself. She's going to go to school. She's going to be a writer. She's going to live in New York City. She's going to take her goddamn time and make mincemeat out of the windbags. And she's willing to let you come along, but she will not force you. She's laying out all of her cards on the table and asking you to place your bets. Life is nothing more than love being constantly overshadowed by fear. 

She wants to sit down in her hallway and stare at the walls until they talk to her. She is so tired of trying to convince dumbasses to do something with their lives. Do you know that her best friend won't take anything seriously because she's too full of a recent death? Do you know that her mother is threatening to take away her entire future because she is afraid of her success? Do you know that she lies in bed every night with your t-shirt, trying to imagine what you would say? You always say the right thing. 

If only you could show up and say it, everything would be alright. 

Reviews

[Hillarie]

Really, really, really good. Oh, yeah.

Your words are like a punch, so direct, so right on the mark, so simple and yet emotionally vivid and encompassing the ambiguities without bullshit. Oh, yeah..... !!!

[Bexers]

I can see a bit of me in this piece, hehe

great read! I really enjoyed how she was going to go, no matter what. Reminds me of my life in a huge sense.