Gentle Shadows

 

Tears fall swiftly to the night

Softly, softly, out of sight.

Streaks of salt the last remains

Remnants of the passing pain.

Pearls drop down onto the floor

It seeps them up and begs for more.

Author's Note

This is the original poem. I had changed the fourth line at one point to read: "Alight upon the cheek to stain," but I think my initial instinct with the line works better.

Reviews

[Graybeard]

Jenn,
Great work...the atmosphere of this poem is very melancholy and subdued. I think the repeating "s" sound lends to that...it almost has a hushing effect. I especially like the way you utilize it in line 2. Lines 5 and 6 are equally strong. The image of pearls falling is very striking and the floor seeping them up is beautiful. I am unsure about that word, seeps, but as it continues the established pattern I have no suggestions at the moment. I love the close..."and begs for more."
My only problem with the poem is line 4. It is much weaker than the others...Do the streaks of salt alight upon the cheeks? I think the tears do and the streaks of salt remain...That word, alight, just doesn't seem to fit. Also, "upon the cheek to stain" sounds like an inversion. My advice would be to rework this line. Otherwise, some really beautiful images and a great poem!

[Chandra]

this one doesn't seem finished... is there more? it makes me want to keep reading it.