The old man

from my linving-room window i see many people passing, and many kinds of rudness. got me thinking of individual stories of each that pass

The old man

HOBO, they shout shout from across the street,

to a ragged old man whose standards, 

don't meet.

He hurts inside and looks to the floor.

His feet are dragging more and more,

but his pain you see, is not his own,

it's for those who are yet,

 not emotionally grown.

Those that speak with no thinking involved,

that judge without any knowledge.

He keeps on walking 'till he come to a house.

he meakly knocks the door.

A girl answers, better dressed than he,

 with no holes in her clothes, socks upon her feet-

for all her requirements, he works so hard to meet.

DADDY, she yells, as she leaps into his arms.

He hugs her close, and his heart begins to mend.

Author's Note

The joys of living in a town where the younger lot don't have much else to do and parents are too busy?!?! to properly socialise their children.

Reviews

[Caleb]

I love the imagery you set out before us; although the poem still needs work. This is me personally and is all a matter of opinion, but contractions like "can't" do not mesh well with poetry. They usually come out a little harsh and do not roll off the tongue as well as it should. The flow of your structure is a bit choppy and needs to be rearranged or needs to be matched to the previous line. Like I said, its all a matter of opinion. Emotions are key to any poetic tone, but the overall message could be better told if the rhyme, meter, and structure match together. Its not needed, but is preferred.

[hcarson]

i will play about with it with what you suggest and see how i think it feels, this was rushed, idea came and i quickly jotted down without much thought so your right, it probably could do with tidying up a tad :)

[Firemay]

That was amazing! I loved the message you managed to get through, I think i got it... The message you were trying to get through is really important, which is that even though some people have less than you, you shouldn't react without thinking and judge. Did i get it right?? I hope so and if not, then what is the message?
Any way, loved it!!!

[hcarson]

You are pretty much spot on, there was another bit at the end where the reason he looked as he did was because he gave everything to his daughter. he may not be the best dressed but he was a good parent that taught the child well and loved her a lot, putting her first unlike some parents who sadly dont. I'm glad you liked it, thank you for the lovely review :)

[Firemay]

Yeah i got that, even though i guess i didn't write that.. haha!
I liked it very much and i am happy someone other than myself thinks about this things.

[hcarson]

i always think about this sort of stuff..especially late at night if i can't sleep...i end up getting myself so annoyed it is even harder to sleep haha

[Firemay]

I think about alot of this things but i guess i for some reason can't write about it which is pretty annoying because it's really important topics for me.

[hcarson]

i bet you could but if you think you can't you will put a mental block there. plus of course, not all poetry has to rhyme of course so maybe play about with some non-rhyming then slowly bring it together (if rhyme is what you want of course). its more about your emotional imput really anyway isn't it. :)

[Firemay]

yeah, i like writting only in rhymes and i wrote one poem "The Perfect Day" but i wrote it really resently and it's my less vauble value..

[hcarson]

we are our own worst critics aren't we, i bet you're much better than you think :)

[Firemay]

i guess we are :)

[Inject Positivity]

i can feel your observation through your words... i always love reading this type of stories and poems... your poem speaks of how an old man faces all the struggles and hard parts of life, how tough his whole day is but when he reaches his home and finds his daughter his heart forgets all his pain... this was both bitter and sweet.... full ratings dear frnd.... your thoughts on life are amazing to read....

[hcarson]

thank you so much IP, i have a large front window and see so much through it daily that if inclined could provoke a million stories and poems. mind boggling out there haha. thank you as always for your lovely words and review, so much appreciated :)

[Inject Positivity]

you are always welcome with a big heart dear frnd....

[DrAnuradha Bele]

I love this. It starts off with a kind of fear, despair but ends on a sweet note. Yes, I agree that its happening everywhere nowadays when parents dont have time to teach their kids about respect. This poet does mend the heart!

[hcarson]

aww thank you so much for your lovely review and taking the time to read, i agree, today it seems in some areas parents have just given up, sad but it is the culture we seem to be living in. your words are so appreciated, thank you :