Calico's Death

Calico Arthur was sleeping soundly in her bedroom and was so comfortable in her bed. It was nighttime and the outside world was still and quiet. She was so excited being able to have gone to the hotel and experienced such a wonderful and lovely vacation. Calico was very happy being in her own home right now and was so grateful she was with her husband, Max. The quiet drum of the cars speeding outside was the only noise that was present, and the moon was the only light that was present making the night super quiet and dark. Someone however was walking towards her house and was trying to barge in the front door albeit silently. There was someone looking for Calico and they wanted to get into her house really badly. Calico was happy and sound asleep and was extremely happy being in her home and couldn’t wait to wake up the next morning and eat breakfast and have her kids gobble it all up. Calico was extremely happy being able to be alive and she was so content being in her bedroom and feeling so wonderfully happy and secure. Calico was happy to be sleeping safe and sound.

The intruder had made it into her home and was now looking through all the rooms. Dining room? No. Living room? No. Kitchen? No. Basement? No. The intruder was extremely keen on finding Calico and making sure that she was going to die due to some matters that were private and Calico was extremely unaware of this intruder’s presence in her own home. The intruder had made it into her home but was unsure of where exactly Calico was. Was she upstairs? The intruder went upstairs and heard soft snoring. He was stunned by this discovery and looked inside the bedroom. Inside was a woman sleeping on her side and the room was completely dark. The intruder thought this was the perfect time to kill her. He slowly went up to her and stabbed her once in the heart and neck and head. Calico was asleep so she didn’t feel any pain but died in her sleep. The intruder quickly left the house and tried to make sure that no one would know about the murder and felt extremely glad about what he had done as he had been wanting to kill her for a few months now. Calico was dead and Max was just about to wake up.

Max woke up the next morning to a beautiful sunrise and stretched out his arms so that everyone could see him and was so happy to be able to see the sun shine and glimmer so beautifully and make the whole town of Areva warm with beauty and love. Max was so excited to be able to love his life and loved Areva dearly and was just so happy as he woke up. He went over to his wife’s room and was stunned with what he saw. Blood, and a lifeless Calico lay in the bed and Max couldn’t believe his eyes. Max was so sad that Calico had died and just couldn’t understand what happened. He checked every door and made sure that no one left any traces of evidence that could be used to find out who killed Calico, his dear wife. Max was so sad that he couldn’t find out his wife’s killer and decided to contact the Areva Police Department and was so glad and relieved to find out a couple of ambulances and police cars were on their way. Max was so glad he had a way to justify and rectify this wrong.

The police were here and Max asked the police if they could do an investigation of what had happened in his home while he was sleeping. The police told Max that someone had come into his house during the night while he was sleeping and had murdered Calico with a knife. Dumbfounded, Max asked who the person was and how in the world he managed to get into his house during the night and make it to the point he had killed his precious wife and killed her. The police were starting an investigation and would hopefully be able to uncover who had killed Max’s wife and were starting to look for clues as to who and why had killed Calico. The police were so helpful with the murder that they had made Max feel much better about the prospects about finding out who had killed Calico and made Max’s life sad. It was going to be a long investigation but they would find out soon, Max thought. The police went into Calico’s bedroom and saw that there was just lots of blood and a lifeless Calico. 

The police took Calico on an ambulance moving bed and were so shocked by the grisly nature of the crime and were stunned by the fact that anyone could have killed such a kind, loving, and understanding person. Her death would be missed by many and it was up to the Areva Police to figure out who had committed such a terrible crime. Max was in his bedroom stunned and in awe of how anyone could have killed his beautiful, understanding, supportive, and patient wife. Max was very sad that his wife was dead and that hopefully justice would be served. Max decided to go on a long walk around Areva mulling over the death of his wonderful wife and was stunned by the sad nature of the crime and the horrible discovery he had made this morning. Max was so sad about his life right now and felt like he was emotionally in a fifteen foot long hole. Max was so sad about life and how his wife was gone in an instant. The Areva Police were saddened, too, by the loss of such a wonderful person. Justice would come one way or another; it was just a matter of who and when and where. 

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

Mark Twain had a personal war with the word "very" he thought it banal and habituating. He said that he trained himself to write "damn" every time he began to write "very" because he knew his editor would remove it. Twain possibly exaggerated and as a self-disciplined writer did not need his editor to baby sit for banality. Just for fun why not read your piece aloud and in each of the twenty or thirty instances places the word "so " appears read "freaking" instead". You might find that in only a thousand words that many uses of "so" are annoying. (Feel free the insert the adult version of "freaking" if you choose.)

Have you considered using active voice in those places where "Calico Was sleeping" because it "Was nightime" and in the next sentence she "Was excited" about something or other? Is 57 uses of "was" excessive in this short chapter? Some readers find passive voice reportorial and journalistic and not as interesting as "Calico slept". If this was my chapter I would purge "was" and put it into the same dust bin as "so". ("Had ", "were" and "to be" are also suspect.)

Do you think this many modifiers are needed? Many writers use nouns and verbs to do the heavy lifting and modify them with chastity. "Calico's Death" has 23 adverbs alone, not counting the bushel of unneeded adjectives.

Here is one sentence that sums up all the comments above:

" Calico was extremely happy being able to be alive and she was so content being in her bedroom and feeling so wonderfully happy and secure."

Thank you for writing and thank you for reading my critical remarks. If they help, use them, if they do not, ignore them.

[BlueShadow]

Hello! I appreciate your feedback. I as a writer appreciate your comments and will look into them in the future. However, I think I am experienced enough to know how to write well. Thanks!

[Delmar Cooper]

"However, I think I am experienced enough to know how to write well. Thanks!"
Which raises an interesting question.