Sparks and Heaven

John Newman was born in Chemstock, Indiana and was an exceptionally good painter. As an artist, he earned just enough to live in a one-bedroom apartment where he could spend his days lounging about in the living room or hard-at-work painting on an empty white canvas. John Newman was a remarkably gifted painter and was so intelligent and knew much about art history and the way to bring to life a painting which seemed so dead. John was good at making an artwork seem so real that the painting almost seemed to be 3D. John Newman was a remarkably good painter and loved making others happy with his painting. He was exceptionally good with color, form, and size, three factors with which a painting could be described. John was very astute with money and although he earned little, he never was in debt.

Christine Jans was born in Willston, Massachusetts and was a remarkably keen and wise woman who loved making others happy. She was a talented yoga teacher and knew the ins and outs of yoga very well. She was very keen as to what worked well in a yoga studio and what was difficult in a yoga center. She owned Yoga Paradise, where she could teach yoga to others and make them thinner or stronger. Christine was a remarkably talented and intelligent woman who loved making people happy with their life choices and could make anyone feel good about themselves and physically improve their lives. Christine loved teaching yoga and making sure that other people understood the ins and outs of yoga and made sure that they understood all the fine details, too. Christine was an intelligent woman who loved making people feel good about their lives and made yoga seem easy from a layman’s view.

Coincidentally, Christine and John met each other in a cafe in York, Ohio and were stunned to see how well they connected with each other. Christine and John were exceptionally a good match for one another and were stunned at how good a pair they made. They eventually began making plans for a wedding and soon enough they were married at the end of the year. Christine and John were a couple who loved each other a lot and thought of each other very highly. Christine and John thought each other were beautiful, talented, and loving. It was a wonderful sight to see them now wed together. The only question was now how were each of them going to get a home that they could both live in together. Christine and John purchased a three bedroom townhome where they stayed and felt so good about their new lives together.

After about a year, they both had a child named Andrew who was good at soccer who they coached personally for the team and for making him a soccer superstar. Andrew was a remarkably talented athlete and loved making people smile with his energy and his astounding athletic talent. Andrew was a handsome, good-looking kid who loved making people feel good by radiating positive energy to others and making them happy. He often conversed with others at soccer matches and made them feel good about themselves. Andrew was a good athlete and made people feel so good about their lives and felt so wonderful about his life, too. Andrew was a remarkably good athlete and earned good marks in school making his life one of enjoyment and happiness, qualities which made his life good and replete beyond measure. Andrew was remarkably good at soccer, writing, and acting.

The Newman family were such a wonderfully happy family because they felt so good about their lives, their townhome, their pet cat, and their garden. The Newman family were so proud of themselves and thought that their lives were as picturesque as could be. Then, suddenly, Andrew got involved in an injury relating to soccer. He had a major brain concussion and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He was sent to the hospital where he received treatment and people thought his life was going to end but it went on for another five months. Andrew was making a good recovery when suddenly he died. His parents were in total surprise because they didn’t think Andrew was sick that badly. Andrew died of complications from his brain concussion and was in dire need of medicine. Andrew was dead and now his parents didn’t know what to do. Their one and only child died of a major injury to his brain and his parents didn’t know what to do next. Andrew thought his life was difficult but now he was in Heaven, with angels and saints. His parents decided to have a funeral for him where many came to leave their condolences.

The Newman family now consisted of two people and both weren’t sure what to do next. The Newman family now decided it was time to purchase a vacation home near the beach where they could lounge on beach chairs absorbing the hot summer sun and enjoying a life of happiness and bliss. They bought a vacation home and were so happy with their purchase. The couple thought their lives were much better now that they had direct access to a beach and felt so good about their lives and felt so much better about their existences. The Newman family was an extraordinarily happy couple who spent the rest of their days swimming, scuba-diving, and having a blast living in such a wonderful and fun existence. They loved their lives and thought of each other in good terms. Eventually, they became old and lived in a nursing home for ten years when both of them died a peaceful slumber and thought that their lives were exceptionally good and beautiful beyond belief. They were now in Heaven, enjoying a life of beauty, happiness, love, and comfort. They felt so good being amidst angels and saints and with God, who loved both of them.

Reviews

[JayG]

Reads like a report.

• John Newman was born in Chemstock, Indiana and was an exceptionally good painter.

Since there is no such town, or a painter named John Newman, this is fiction. And, you call it a story. But it's written as nonfiction—an article. Events are talked about in the abstract. So as a story it can't work. And there's no market for pretend bios. But more than that, a bio would give his date of birth, here. So this doesn't work.

• As an artist, he earned just enough to live in a one-bedroom apartment where he could spend his days lounging about in the living room or hard-at-work painting on an empty white canvas.

Makes no sense. You say he was an exceptionally good painter and all he could afford is a one bedroom apartment? Naaa. You need to give every “fact” you present a reasonability test.

• John Newman was a remarkably gifted painter and was so intelligent and knew much about art history and the way to bring to life a painting which seemed so dead.

In line one you said he was exceptionally gifted. Now, he’s remarkably gifted. Did you even edit this?

This piece is stated very awkwardly. You say, for example, that he takes paintings that look dead and brings them to life, which makes no sense, because you’ve already stated that he starts with blank canvases.

There are six sentences in paragraph one, and in five of them, you begin with either his first name or his full name. There should be one John Newman, because there are enough John’s in the paragraph to make me want to throw John in the John. Once you tell the reader who you’re talking about “he” is enough.

• John Newman was a remarkably good painter and loved making others happy with his painting.

The reader has been told he was “exceptionally good,” then “remarkably gifted,” and now he’s “remarkably good.” But he doesn’t earn a decent living?

One major problem is that you’re making a series of declarative, stand-alone statements. But that’s not how an article is created. There needs to be a smooth flow from line-to-line, with a thought being introduced, developed, and concluded, with each thought naturally leading to the next.

If your goal was to write fiction, this isn’t it, because fiction is emotion-based and this is fact-based. If an article, it needs a smoother flow.

Sorry my news isn’t better, but you need to dig into the techniques of journalism for articles or the techniques of fiction for stories. There’s a LOT that’s not obvious, but necessary.

[Writergurl]

Wow, this one emotional read, heart tugging read. Wonderful detail and imagery.