My Life

Not necessarily a story, but maybe an idea for a new book? I don't know. Let me know what you think. REDONE!

So, yeah back at square numero uno...once again. You know I’m starting to get real tired of this game. It’s always the same you know. That whole boy meets girl or girl meets boy s**t is so not true. Things like that just don’t happen now-a-days. Then again maybe they just don’t happen to me. That could be it, maybe it’s just me. You’d think I would know, but I don’t. All I know is that every time I think I’ve got something good reality turns around and bites me in the a*s and reminds me that happy s**t like love just doesn’t happen to me. “True love” is such a f*****g lie.

Sure people say I’m just bitter because, I’ve been fucked over so many times and that may be true, but seriously what’s wrong with me? I don’t see anything wrong about me. I don’t see what’s not to like. I’m the easiest person to please. I’m talented in many ways. I’m an athlete, an artist, I modeled, I’m smart, and a badass mom in my opinion. I like to play sports and watch sports on the television. I can dance to just about any genre of dance. I’m an active swimmer. I love to write and I’ve been published twice. I love to draw and paint. I did ceramics for a year. I used to model and I have the pictures to prove it. I’m going to be starting college as a sophomore and I’m only eighteen. I started college classes when I was a junior in high school. I’m a mother to an amazing little boy. Sure, I’m not the prettiest but, I’m not a Saint Bernard either. I’m half Filipino and half Caucasian. My eyes are a sparkling dark brown. My hair is silky brown and I have a forever olive tone to my skin. I’m five foot two and about one hundred and thirty five pounds. I go to the gym regularly and plan to reach a weight of one hundred and ten pounds. I don’t usually wear makeup and love to wear hats. I can play any video game you give me. I go fishing, hiking, and I love the outdoors. I’m a well rounded girl so seriously what’s not to like? I think that the little fat kid that makes people fall in love just needs archery lessons....

Anyway, I’ve learned the hard way that falling for people just isn’t my thing. Though I can do a lot of things love just isn’t one of them. Every time I decide to open up and give it my all they bounce. I’m to the point now where I won’t open up to anyone, because of the fear that they’re just going to up and leave one day. I can’t do that to my son. If someone wants to be with me then we’re going to have to work hard at it. It’ll be work sure, but it’s worth it. I’m truly a great girlfriend if they’d only give me the chance. Instead I wind up with a broken heart, oceans full of tears, and money wasted on Kleenex boxes instead of diapers.

For the past four years my life is a horror story with trickles of sunlight. To fully understand what I mean by that we’ll have to start at the beginning. When we’re done we’ll end up here, where I am now. I worry about graduating in two weeks and final exams, about starting college this Fall, about raising my son and about him.....   

Author's Note

REDONE!

Reviews

[Storyworker]

Alright. First, you have a very expressive style of writing. The first paragraph was very able to draw a person in because of its voice, which was stellar. Still, the problem is that I have heard read this voice before. It’s very commonly used and rather cliché since it’s so easy to write. Anyone can write a story in the style of a crazy person because everyone’s a bit messed up, but you have to ask yourself, “What makes my crazy voice unique from others?” Right now you have a voice that reminds me of many other stories I’ve read. Try really taking a look at this and making your voice unique. Give it something different than what others have. It’s your choice on how to do this.

What I also noticed in this story is that the character tends to ramble. When the second paragraph starts, the description of the girl becomes…well…boring for lack of a better term. I would almost cut out the second paragraph in its entirety, or condense the first two paragraphs into one. Don’t use unnecessary words and phrases, and look for repetition in what the character is saying so that you’re not saying the same thing twice.

Somehow, you also want to describe what has happened to the character in a more understandable way. What tends to happen in stories is that the reader is flooded with information. They can’t remember all of the information presented if it comes at them too fast. If this will be a book, or a longer story, I’d suggest spreading that information out, and easing it into the story in order to present it to the reader in a way that they can understand much more easily.

The biggest issue here is the reader’s confusion. So much has happened in so little time that the reader can’t understand. I’d suggest making this longer, or turning it into a book so that you can really ease the reader in.

If you get the unique voice down, and create explanations for the reader, you’re golden. Right now the story is a bit messy. Reorganize it, give it a fresh coat of paint and make it any color you want, just don’t mix too many colors at once!

Remember, these are just my suggestions. It’s your job to figure out which suggestions are actually good for you. It’s your story, not mine, and you should only take the suggestions you think are right for you! :)

Note: This review is a bit short and condensed compared to others I've done. Make sure you really separate the suggestions from one another. Happy writing!