F. Rizzo - Death

portray the scene of your death....you may include the events leading up to the moment or predict the cause.... you may depict the feelings or sensations you have at the time.... you may even describe the events to follow

Even a G can get to lax and be caught slipping up
Been a G so long I didn't even see the young bucks
Until the other day as he yelled out rizzo
Turned just to see the double barrell out the window
I spun around and begin to run quick
I didn't get to far, two shots, two hits
It was a matter of time before I found this predicament
Now my soul is in god's hand awaiting for his judgement
It doesn't take too long in fact it is more like an instant
The floor was covered with feces, serpents, and rodents
The smell was stagnant, repugnant, filled with vomit
Souls walking around complaining that's its so cold
They wonder how I'm able to exist without the love of the lord
I got a cold heart and come from a cold world
Even in death except hate and scorn
I'm not me unless I'm truly abhorred

Reviews

[bailish]

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ibarfly/201129/

Hey, this is a powerful piece you've got. It sounds like rap lyrics, in tone, slang, content, rhyme, and rhythm.

You describe a situation that is common in rap music, namely a gun battle where someone dies. Your interesting twist is that the victim is you, and you describe the trip to judgment.

You talk about being in God's hands, but the environment you describe doesn't sound like you're in the presence of God at all.

"I'm not me unless I'm truly abhorred" This last line ends the poem well. It echoes a sentiment that many people share and can relate to.