Insecure Love

Why does love have to be so complicated? I can't stand it! I wish it were easier. The complications of liking my close friend of almost 2 years, Christian Stratum, hit the melting point. He's kind of short, dorky, and foolish. But I like all of that about him. He's nice, funny, and outgoing. He draws people to him with his laughter which was probably why he was so popular with both the boys and girls. 

I was a shy girl and didn't have many friends ever since I was little, but Christian came up to me one day in the 6th grade and greeted me with a friendly "Hey!" I immediately fell for him. We started to talk a lot, and I began to smile more. He was like a warm sun in my life.

I thought I wanted to be friends with him forever, but I realized I was wrong. I wanted more. My heart began beating faster when he hugged me, and I would blush when he complimented me. I looked forward to spending time with him. 

But there was a dark cloud in my life: my insecurities. I have been ridiculed by people close to me that I thought had liked me for me, so I've lost confidence in myself. I'm scared, and I don't think I'll ever be worthy of anyone's love. This thought ended up destroying me. 

It all happened on a Sunday in the summer before our 8th year. I went to the same church as Christian, and the sermons had just finished. We walked outside to wait for our rides and sat down to talk.

"Maaaan. That was long!" Christian said, laughing. I laughed as well and nodded my head in agreement. 

'"Mhmm," I replied. 

"But I look forward to Church. Aaalways look forward to it," he said. I looked at him and asked why. 

"Because I get to see you," he told me. I blushed a bit at his words and looked down. There was a moment of pause. Then, he started speaking. 

"Hey, I have something to tell you... I kind of like you." He stopped for a bit and seemed to be thinking, scratching hid head. He then continued. "The thing is, I've liked you for a long time. You're really nice and really cute. I always love spending time with you. So, I wanted to ask, face to face, will you go out with me?"

I looked up, straight into his honest, hazel eyes. I thought this was a dream. Christian actually liked me! I started to smile, but then I froze. "You're so ugly." "Go lose some weight." "You're so fat." "Why don't you just get lost?" The words of those people who hurt me started to cloud my mind. I felt like crying. 

"You don't have to answer right now if you don't want to," Christian said, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

"No..." I muttered, shaking my head slightly.

"No, really!  It's okay. Take your time! Give me an answer anytime you want!"

"I mean no. My answer is no..." I told him quietly. I trembled slightly, afraid to look back up. When I did, he was smiling slightly, but with sad eyes. 

"That's okay," he began, "I figured as much. Don't feel bad or anything. We can still be friends, right? 

I nodded in reply. Then, his mother 's car pulled up in front of us. 

"Well, see you tomorrow!" Christian said, waving at me. 

I stared at him and waved back. "See you."

The next day, I avoided him. For the entire day, I dodged is greetings and ran away whenever I saw him. Contrary to what he told me, I did feel bad. I felt terrible. It felt like a large 10 ton rock had settled itself on my heart and was determined to stay there. I felt as if i was the worst possible human being alive. How could things ever go back to the way it was? How could we ever be friends again? My avoidance lasted the entire week. And then, everything ended on Friday. He came up to me directly, a stern look on his face. 

"Look, I get it. You hate me now, right? I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, but don't you think you're being too much? Why can't we just be friends like before?" 

"We just can't," I said, "I just feel too terrible."

He stared at me for a while, not saying a word. 

"I see," he finally replied, "Well then, I'm sorry. I guess I'll just leave you alone. Bye." He then walked away out of my life. For good. 

I cried that night. I didn't sleep, and I felt sick. He didn't send me his usual good morning text Saturday morning. I felt empty. Why did he like me? This fat and ugly girl that had nothing to offer but her stupid kindness. How could he choose me? Was I even good enough for him? Then suddenly, a voice popped up in my head. 

"He chose you, didn't he? What is there to be doubtful of?"

A tear slid down my face, and I replied, "I'm not good enough for him."