Existential Crisis

I can feel my head pulsing. 

The intolerable thuds 

seem to increase 

the more

 and more

 I think about life.

Why am I alive? 

What purpose

 do I have 

when everyone 

around me

 is so 

substantially

 better? 

I don't think

 I'm suicidal.

 I won't actively

 seek death. 

But if I die,

 I die. 

Why do I ask 

why I am I alive?

 Why not 

ask instead

 why am I not dead? 

What force

 is keeping me alive?

 Is it cruel

 or merciful?

 Will there come a point

 where I am happy

 and then die 

immediately?

 Am I scared

 of happiness?

 I don't know. 

Anything.