You Must Have Been the Sun

heartbreak poems are all the same...

You brought me summer -

warm green grass days

that bronzed my forearms

and cool soft ice cream nights

that soothed my burning lips.

 

Now you have left behind

weeping rains

that sting my face

and trap me in a cold steel box

with only a window to see

the harsh, dead world without you.

You must have been the sun in my life.

Reviews

[Sapphire Balasquez]

T__T i actually... i agree with sarah about the taking out a line or two from the second paragraph, just because it's at an awkward point, inbetween short and simple, and long and complex.
I gotta say, I really like this poem, but the last line is kinda weird overall... it kinda messes up the flow. If that's what you meant for, then by all means, leave it (like you'd think i was forcing you to anyways, hahah) but I think you could do something better with that last line, maybe say the same thing, but in more flowing words. good job though, I really like this, even if it is quite sad. T_T

[Kaye]

It's lovely. Lonely, but lovely.
You use temperature really nicely for the contrasts. I would almost say this poem is the type that could use expansion, but it could almost create more impact if you removed a line or two from the second paragraph.
I would give this poem more time to heal before you consider revising.

Hang in there.