Writing Prompt 1

This is what I made from a writing prompt and would like constructive feedback

Driving across the country in the distance just beyond the headlights, a driver sees a figure holding out his arm with a thumbs up. Finally, the driver cracked a small smile as he slowed down and stopped right next to the hitchhiker. The window is rolled down and the driver asks "Where are you headed?" The hitchhiker approaches the car but stops at an angle where the driver cannot see his face. "I want to go to the convenience store nearby." The driver's face lit up "Ahh, I know exactly what you are talking about!" "I was just about to head to that place myself!"

The hitchhiker pops open the door directly diagonal to the driver and slides into his seat looking straight down the whole time as if to hide his face. The driver starts to drive down the road, only after a brief moment of silence, the driver initiates small talk. "Why are you keep looking down on the floor?" "Are you really that ugly or do you have a neck problem?"

The driver takes a glance back only for a bullet to fly freely through his jaw. Taking the wheel and stomping on the gas pedal, the driver swerves the car in a circle which messes up the next shots from the hitchhiker. The driver flips out of the compartment above him to reveal a gas mask, despite having only one hand, the mask is swiftly put on in mere seconds and a button is pressed. Sleeping gas starts emitting in the back of the car, the hitchhikers tries to cover his nose and mouth with his shirt but the gas had already started to seep into his system. 

Desperation overcame the hitchhiker,  after a quick reload, a flurry of bullets rip through the air. With the car still driving in a circle, getting a hit was impossible despite the gun being so close to his target. Luckily, one bullet manages to make it's way through both of the mask's filters. The hitchhiker finally succumbs to the gas as his hands and head suddenly drop. The driver shakes in pain from the bullet puncturing through his mouth and his eyes widen at the realization that he breathed in a bit of the gas. 

Slamming the brakes, the driver's head swings and he ends up hitting the window. Even though the driver was reeling in pain, he finds the strength to unbuckle his seatbelt and open the door only to fall hands first on the rough road. The driver knew it was only a matter of time before he falls asleep and through sheer willpower, musters his body up to see the face of the man that has caused so much trouble for him. Peering through the window, the driver recognizes the face, that man has been on the news for murdering drivers. So this is what happens when two murderers meet, the driver thought to himself as his collapses into a deep slumber.

Reviews

[JayG]

You did ask…

• Driving across the country in the distance just beyond the headlights, a driver sees a figure holding out his arm with a thumbs up.

You’re writing a report, not presenting a story.

1. Why do I care that he’s driving across the country? It’s irrelevant to this scene.

2. Why do I care how far ahead the man is? He sees him and stops. That matters. And from a technical viewpoint, if he’s beyond the headlights how can the driver see him? If he does, who cares if they’re on or off? And of course you didn’t say beyond the headlight beams, you said beyond the “headlights.” So the man is standing in the road an inch in front of the car. Now what you meant, certainly. But it is what you said.

3. He's “A” driver? The man isn’t important enough to have a name? You’re thinking in terms of the plot, and informing the reader of what happens. That’s a report, not a story.

4. He “sees a figure holding out his arm with a thumbs up?” Forgetting that a hitchhiker points his thumb in the direction he wants to go, not up, you used 10 words to say what can be said in i with, “hitchhiker."

Bottom line: There’s a LOT to writing fiction that’s not obvious, and we’re taught none of it in our school days. Like every other profession, the specialized knowledge and skills are acquired in addition to the set of general skills we’re given in school (in the case of writing, we're given only nonfiction writing skills because that’s what employers need from us). And we no more learn the necessary skills by reading fiction than we learn to cook by eating.

So, though I know it’s bad news, to write fiction we must, first, understand the hows of it, because we can’t fix what we don’t see as being a problem.

The library’s fiction-writing section is a really good place to begin.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/