The forbidden island

its a book about an island that was forbidden to go to because It was against God and if you go there you end up in hell

Chapter one: In the beginning! 
In a small hick town, there were people who lived close to the ocean. But not too far from them There was an Island it was called No Return. No one was supposed to go to because it would disobey what God wanted them to do. God wanted his people to stay off this island because it was full of evil and torment. There were lots of stories about this island. People would say it's haunted some say that there were spirits their waiting for revenge and to steal people’s souls. They wanted the souls of humans. They didn’t care who you were they just wanted their revenge. Some may call it the gates of Hell. It actually was the pits of Hell. The Devil ran the island. He wanted anyone's souls he could have to steal from God. He hated God so much. Even though he was one of the Gods angels. The most highly liked angel until he decided to try to take over heaven. God sentenced him to Hell and all of his followers. There were several angels of God that got thrown into the pit of Hell. These creatures had many shapes they could transform into whatever they wanted to shapeshift into. When people go to the island the Devils followers could transform themselves into any type of animal, human, demonic looking creatures, bugs, even skeletons sometimes they'd look like their true selves. They would be part dragon part human with horns on their heads. They'd also be super dark black. Black as cole. It depended on what they wanted people to see them as on the Island of no return. The island was Hell but disguised as an island. 



Then one day there were these three girls who decided they wanted to go to the island of No return to camp out. They heard all the stories and the island's legend, but they didn't believe it. They decided that they were going to pack up and go to the island they knew it was against God’s will. But they didn’t care at all. They wanted to be disobedient to God. They wanted to find out for their self-Why they called the island the name it was called. The island was a true legend. A legend that you would never forget if you went there. There were lots of stories about this island. There were people who were very scared to go to the island but there were ones that weren't scared one bit. There were also the ones who didn't believe in God or the stories. The three girls said that it was just an old wise tail and that there was nothing wrong with the island, so they were going to go to it. They didn’t think that anything could happen to them if they went to the island of no return. “But” They would soon find out why they call the island that name. The Island has spirits of the Devil on it, and anyone who stepped foot on this island would soon be doomed to death. Matter in fact for disobeying God they would go straight to Hell. The things that go on when you're there is on believable. You get swooped away and dragged right to The tormenting pit of Hell. Where you would be tortured and tormented for eternal life. There was no way out of Hell. It was for eternal life. No escape no forgiveness. You could cry out to God all you wanted but he would not answer you or listen because you made up your mind on what you wanted. You chose Hell, and that's where you had to stay. The tournament of Hell wasn't very pleasant either. You burned forever and ever. You had bugs crawling through your body and maggots eating your flesh. The Demons would do unbelievable things to you. They'd torment you stab you over and over and they'd laugh in your face and say there's never any escape. No way out. Your mine. You'd be in a firey pit of lava burning over and over for the rest of eternal life. There is no way out ever. But people chose their destiny by disobeying and not listening. There was another way to end up in Hell also. Another way was living a sinful life and not serving God. 






Now the three girls had decided to get on a boat to go to the Island. But as we know they were disobeying what God wanted them to do. Instead, they listened to the Devil and went there. Their parents were Christians and they served God. They didn't want to listen to their parents at all. They were very disrespectful and wanted to do things their own way. They didn't believe in God or any of the stories that were told.

After a long journey on the boat, the girls had finally arrived at the island, but they were soon to find out that they were never going to come back home ever again and the place they will end up they will wish they had listened to their parents. 

These girls didn't think about anything bad about the island when they had arrived. They didn’t want to think about anything about the island or the name of the island. They didn’t even care that it was named that. They were told why the island was called that name. They didn't care at all about anything they had heard about the forbidden island. 



The girl's names were Brittany, Anna, and Tina. When they arrived at the island, there were skeletons laying around. There were also unusual things like little lakes of lava. They figured it was just from a volcano. But there were no volcanos there. There was also weird marking on the trees. Symbols of the Devil. Stacy said oh look they really deck this place out. They just don’t want people to come here. They thought oh look skeletons to try to scare people away from the island. Well, that's not going to work for them. As they walked to find a spot to lay out for camp. They started walking down a dark path they couldn't see anything and they didn't have any flashlights or anything. The truth about the island was about to be revealed to them. They were soon to find out that they wished that they would have never had went to the island and disobeyed their parents and God. 

The dark path that the girls were walking down started turning into flames. Ahead of them was a fiery lake of flames and people screaming in torment. They hear things that are unexplainable. They smell the burning flesh of human souls. They started to get scared and asking where they are. 
They didn't know where they were because they were just on an island and started walking and ended up down a dark path. All of a sudden a black dark figure laughing at the girls said," ha ha ha you're in Hell your mine. I got you now. You're all mine. You'll never escape. You're in my homeland now. There's no way out."Then" there were two other demons that came towards them and took one of the girls. They took her to the lake of fire and threw her in as she screamed. She cried out to God. The Demon laughed at her and said", "you can't cry out to God. There's no way out. Ha ha ha."Then" one of them left. They went to get one of the other girls. When they came up to the last two girls, they screamed and said," Where" did you take our friend? Where are we going to go? We want to just go home."The" Devil said, "There" isn't no way back home. You're in Hell for good."The" Demon had grabbed Tina up and dragged her across the lava as she screamed in pain. When the Demon of Hell took Tina to her spot. She screamed she said," Why are you doing this to me?"The" Demon said," Just" get into the cage. You sinned against God this is where you will stay for eternal life."She" was in a cage that was on fire, and her feet were in a puddle of lava. She had no clothes on. She screamed out to God and said," God" please save me."No" answer. There was another Demon that came toward Tina. He was black as can be. He had horns and a spiked tail. His nails were sharp as can be. His eyes were red as can be like fire. As he approached Tina. He laughed. He had a sharp spear in his hands and he stabbed Tina over and over again this was her punishment for enteral life. Being locked in a firey cage in a lake of lava and being stabbed over and over again. There was no end to her enteral sentence. 


Now unto Anna. There was a Demon that was a girl she had long black hair. Red firey eyes. Spiked tail. Horns and was black as can be. As she approached Anna, she said,"come now, Anna I said let's go come forward now," Anna said, "Where are my friends?" The Demon laughed and said, " ha ha ha you won't be seeing them. You have your own special place."Anna" was too scared to come forward. She was frozen still. The demon grabbed her and dragged through the firey pit of lava. She dunked her into the lake of fire on the way to her doom. Nonstop she kept dunking her into the fiery lake of lava. Until they arrived. The Demon threw her into a little lake of lava. The other demons grabbed her chained her up. They stabbed her over and over again. She couldn't escape. She was screaming in torment. The black haired Demon who had brought Anna to her doom was the Devils Queen. She served him willingly. The Devil was so excited that he had gotten three new souls. Three more souls to torment. 

Brittany in her lake of fire was suffering from burning over and over as her flesh rotted away. Once her skin was all gone and her bones showed it started all over again. Her flesh would grow back unto her right away than burn away slowly again. It was non-stop internal pain and suffering. 
Tina was suffering in a cage that was on fire with her feet in a lake of lava and being stabbed over and over from one of the Demons. There was no escape at all. The Demons laugh and mock them. Tina's flesh melts away to the bone bugs crawling through her body eating her flesh. There was no stop. Once the flesh was gone, it started over again. It was a complete torment. As far as it goes for Anna She was suffering just as bad. Same torment and same pain They would never escape out of this torment. 

Author's Note

let me know if i should add more to the chapter its a book im writing but im only posting the fist chapter ill publish the book on Amazon once its finished please let me know what you think no rude comments

Reviews

[Nariko]

I wanted to let you know that you said old wise tale, instead of old wives tale. I am also not good at grammar but I still understand what's going on in your story. I like how smooth and simple it is. It's easy to understand the entire situation and I liked how you have this whole monologue in the beginning to introduce us to the story.

[LadyNaida]

Thank God for His Grace. God gives us a choice and the choice we make will lead to either a life of destruction or a life everlasting with Him in eternity. That's the life I chose.

[Sir Aphid]

I think you should edit it more carefully and take your time to flesh out the story and characters. The basic idea was good and I was able to read the whole thing, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. It would be interesting if you described how the girls disobeyed God, rather than just saying they went down a dark path and didn't listen to their parents. What tempted them? Were they just dumb children, or did they actually think they would get something good by disobeying God?

I like religious stories despite not being religious. I like christian imagery and the idea of angels and devils. I love reading stories with these themes and characters. I believe in hell but I think it happens to people on earth while they are still alive.

If you continue to write stories with these themes I'll read them. You could use practice and improvement, though. More showing instead of telling. More characterization. Better grammar and formatting. The best paragraph was the one that starts, "Now unto Anna." I think you did a good job of showing there and characterization with the demon queen. It's kind of funny and interesting: you go into more detail describing the details and making them interesting characters than you do the girls. It's cool.

[barleygirl]

I have to tell you the truth. I would not want to read a bunch of chapters that sound like this. I'm okay with reading this as a short story. As a short story, it's interesting & somewhat compelling. But I'm just saying a whole book of this . . . you better have more of a storyline. The problem is that the first half of the story is very very very repetitive. You keep saying the same thing over & over to explain this island. On the paragraph that starts with: "The girl's names were Brittany, Anna, and Tina." . . . this is where the story really begins. I would cut at least HALF of what you have prior to this point in the story. It's all too repetitive & boring. You need to hook your reader at the beginning of your story or people just won't continue. Start where the girls are actually doing something, instead of having many paragraphs of explanation. Your story gets much more dynamic after the point where you name the 3 girls. Another thing is that I would like to know something about these girls. When you introduce characters, you have to do more than just throw a few names at us. Take your time & describe each character. What makes her unique? Why should I remember her in your story? Don't just describe how they look, but show us some of their characteristics, too. Characters are what make a story. You have to get the reader hooked on your characters or we won't care what happens to them. All your doom & gloom is wasted becuz we don't even know these 3 girls, so who cares? I don't want to discourage you & I'm sorry if this review feels harsh. I'm always more in-depth if you read-request becuz that means you want to get a real review. You have a good way of storytelling & your lively spirit comes thru in your writing. I like your ideas & you should keep writing. You sound like a writer with alot of self-confidence, & that's why I gave you a few things to chew on for your future writing (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Ren Nightshade]

Hmmm, I feel as though this is more of an overall synopsis of the book/Chapter one rather than an actual chapter. But it does sound interesting!

Keep working at it!

[T.S. Sky]

Some punctuation errors. Otherwise cool story. I would like to read more.

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful story shared. If you dance with the Devil. The devil will lead and steal. I liked the set-up leading to the proper ending. The girls should of stayed home. Thank you Jennifer for sharing the amazing tale.
Coyote

[jennifer little]

sorry my authors note i totally messed up on spelling its supposed to say first not fist