No Holden Back

A general rant.

It's 7:09am. James Leather is not normally a man who rises at such an ungodly hour but sometimes a sore back ruins a good sleep unfortunately.  Let me break down the last hour of my life.

I woke up. I said "owwww" once or twice. I realised that falling back asleep was off the agenda, and so because I'd fallen asleep with the television on, I decided to watch an advert for the JML X5 Steam Mop for roughly 20 minutes, purely out of a refusal to stretch for the remote.
After hearing the sentence "clean with the power of steam" roughly 2,000 times, I could stand no more. To my peril, I discovered that at such an early hour a majority of Freeview channels play the same advert on a loop. I put my faith into ITV2 because a repeat of Britain's Got Talent was on. This is what happened.


There is a man on a screen. He is interviewed in the most patronising way imaginable about the routine he is about to perform.
"I'm going to be doing some ballet" says the man, Michael Rodriguez, a 30 year old a cocktail waiter.
Now, this didn't exactly fill me with enthusiasm. But at least he's not a singer. I give him a chance.
He walks on stage. Luckily for him, he's been blessed with Mexican parents and is therefor relatively handsome and his applause from the crowd is a warm one, the crowd adore him. Cue shots of young ladies swooning and images of Amanda Holden's eyes lighting up (Well they would, she's a bonafide w***e). David Walliams smiles (Well he would, that's what he does). Aleesha Dixon laughs like a 19 year old drug dealer from Kirkby (I don't know why she does that) and Simon Cowell just... nothing. He just knows something special is about to happen doesn't he. After all, that's why he started all this nonsense.

The man's act starts. Instead of a ballet recital (which our Mexican-born friend promised his audience seconds earlier) he proceeds to do a "finger ballet". This is basically touching fingers with other fingers whilst wearing a variety of different coloured nail varnish.
Great, yeah?

Before anyone on the judging panel is even aware of what our friend is trying to do, Aleesha Dixon strikes the first blow and presses her button. MERRRRRRP. The look of sheer bemusement on her face indicates to me that she's only pressing the button to see what happens. It sounds frighteningly like her own hideous cackle and distinguishing between the two is trickier than you'd think.
Within 2 seconds, we have another "werrrrrp". Walliams this time, clearly disliking the fact that our nail-varnished friend has managed to steal his mantle as the campest man in the room (probably), but more than likely just pressing it to fit in with old Gravel-Laugh Dixon.
Our hero's act is barely 5 seconds in, and the sound of the "weerrrrp" buttons has changed the mood completely. The crowd have now completely turned on poor Meester Rodriguez. They're livid, baying for blood. Some of them are so overcome with rage they can't control their arms. Angry, fat women and 7 year olds are shouting "booo, gerrofffff the stage" and chanting "OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF". His good looks couldn't save him now that someone's pressed a button. All this forces Amanda Holden to show her hand.
She not only pushes her werp button, but also Simon Cowell's. In essence, she's running the show. Simon is nothing more than her little hairy puppet.
The act stops. The judges all laugh at him (as if he isn't stood in front of them with his confidence shot to pieces). They reveal to him that he won't be making it through to the next phase of auditions whilst laughing in his face like four school bullies laughing at the kid with the s**t shoes. The crowd cheers. Off he goes.

None of this is really relevant to anything in my life, because I find the notion of "talent shows" and light entertainment to be absurd, contrived and downright ridiculous. I'm passed having an opinion on them all.
But I'll say one thing: If this is what happens when the people of Britain try to bring a bit of  entertainment to my life, God help me when Britain gets bored.