Why do I want to cry

A true, stubborn little poem about losing a man I loved

I want to cry-
But why?
I’m not sad that he left- my heart
for someone else’s. 
I’m not sad he didn’t love me.
I’m not ashamed I loved him more than I loved myself.
I’m not thinking about him.
I’m not over-conscious of my body, failing to understand the meaning of each part of it after he told me what each part of it meant to him.
I’m not a survivor of abuse.
Why would I want to cry?
You were so sad & lonely.
I was so lively & young.
I don’t feel older.
I don’t feel damaged.
I feel a wall- a rock where there was none.
I feel hard. I feel immovable.
I feel guarded, even from myself.
I feel disgust & mistrust. Stone & stubborn in my 3.
Skeptical, uninvested, uncaring, then bored.
I feel nothing for you- just a stone.
Yet I want to cry.
WHY?