Introduction

This is the beginning of the book.

      Introduction

          Kenan Johnston and his older twin brother Kel lived in a rural house with their parents Cassius and Priscilla. Despite dealing with the constant endeavor of racial inequality in the city of Boston, Massachusetts, the couple excelled as the proud owners of Johnston Industries. During the daytime, Priscilla and Cassius’ company provided automation, robotics and conveyors for the food and beverage, life sciences and general industry. At night they secretly worked on a time machine in the basement of their company building. Out of love for their sons, Priscilla and Cassius named their work, “The K Project.” Once they completed and crafted it in the form of a wristwatch, Cassius and Priscilla used it to travel back to various timelines. The couple vowed only to observe the scenarios they’ve seen and to never meddle in any of the affairs behind them no matter how traumatizing they could be. To blend in crowds, they would always dress like the common person in every domain they’ve visited. Every night Cassius and Priscilla would come back home ready to share their sons’ stories of the past they’d got to see unfold with their very own eyes. As Kenan and Kel became of age, they accepted their parents' narratives as bedtime stories unknown to them to be true.
            The Johnston family began to face tragedy after another. As Kenan and Kel were at home choosing outfits to wear for their high school graduation from Dorchester High School on Peacevale Road, there was a loud knock on the front door. At an instant, Kenan reached for his cell phone to speak to whomever it was through the doorbell camera. A cold shiver ran down Kenan’s spine as he looked at the person. The person standing at the door turned out to be a young Caucasian man wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. The man had one of his hands behind his back out of view of the camera. “Good afternoon, sir. How can we help you?” said Kenan. With a loud commanding voice, the man said: “Get your parents and have them come to the door right now?” “Okay…but what do you have to do with them?” said Kenan. “That isn’t your concern kid. Now get them!!!” said the man. Hearing the man yell led Kel to walk over to his brother and say: “What’s going on here?” “I’m going to say this for the third time. Get your parents and open the door.” said the unknown man as he began to bang on the door with a fist. When Cassius had heard enough of the noise, he walked over to the door followed by Priscilla. “This is going to stop now,” said Cassius as he grabbed the doorknob. “Be careful honey.” said Priscilla as she watched her husband open the door. The unknown man smiled and said, “Finally. Now I can take care of business.” “What business?” said Cassius with a confused expression. “This.” said the man as pulled out his concealed hand and struck Cassius in the face with a handgun. “Cassius!!” said Priscilla as she ran towards her husband. Unfortunately for Priscilla, the man’s gun was already in her face. “Step back and drag him further away from the door.” said the man holding onto his gun with a finger on the trigger. With no other choice, Priscilla obeyed the assailant as he shut the door with one leg and put a silencer onto his gun. “Why are you doing this?” said Priscilla. “I never gave you permission to talk. Now boys come over here too.” said the man. With fear for their lives, Kenan and Kel came out of hiding. “I will ask what my mom said. Why are you doing this?” said Kel. “Quiet. Now get on your knees next to mommy and daddy.” said the man. “Look if you want money, I will give you every dollar out of our safe.” said Cassius. “I don’t want your pathetic money.” said the man as he pointed his gun at Cassius. “Then what do you want from us?” said Priscilla as she held onto her husband and sons with a tight grip. “I want you to be an example. I want to teach you and your kind a lesson not to resist the real order of this country.” said the man as he opened fire onto Cassius shooting him in the head. To stop Priscilla from screaming he covered her mouth with his palm and shot her too. “Mom!! Pop!!!” said the twins. At an instant, the man pointed his gun at the twins and said: “Feel lucky that I am keeping you both alive because I was instructed not to.” The brothers trembled trying to remain still as they watched their parents' killer walk backwards to the door and leave the house. After hearing a car driving away, Kenan and Kel looked at the corpses of their dead parents and wept. The brothers now had to choose clothes to wear for a funeral.

Reviews

[johnub4]

Thanks for the feedback Jay. I admire your honesty. That is what I want to hear. Thank you again.

[JayG]

You've written this in the style of a report. We're never on the scene, only hearing about events secondhand, related by an external observer. But...your reader doesn't come to you to hear ABOUT the events, explained in overview and synopsis, they want to be made to live those events moment-by-moment AS the protagonist.

In short, like most hopeful writers, you're still using the nonfiction report-writing skills we learn in school. So, it reads like a report.

To better understand what I mean, have the computer read the story to you, instead of playing storyteller as you read it. You, knowing the situation, the characters, and their backstory, will perform as you read, and hear the emotion the reader can't know to place there.

Like so many hopeful writers, you've given the reader what amounts to your storyteller's script. But for that to work, the reader must perform it as-you-would. But they can't because they're not you, and have no idea of how you'd do it.

Bottom line: To write fiction, you need the skills of fiction writing. There is no way around that, and no shortcuts. Still, given that you want to write, the learning will be fun, and filled with, "But that's so obvious. How did I not notice it, myself?" And, you'll be amazed at the difference those skills make, once you've perfected them.

So, try a few chapters of a good book on adding wings to your words, like Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. You'll be glad you did.

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain