Letter 5 - Helga Mackey

This is the fifth story of the book.

My name is Helga Mackey. I am a twenty-year-old African American girl from Baltimore, Maryland. I grew up there in a rural house in the Ashburton neighborhood with my mother Madonna Mackey and my two younger sisters Maria and Lyra. My mother divorced my dad Gene Mackey when my sisters and I were little. Mom never told Maria and Lyra the true reason why she and dad divorced. I always remembered quite vividly witnessing dad view child pornography on the computer in the living room. That very same night when dad saw me, dressed in my green and yellow pajamas, at the edge of the living room entrance he quickly closed the window, smiled, and called me over to him. I smiled back feeling like I was able to spend more time with my father. “Hi daddy. I just couldn't sleep. I thought something was hurting you. May I ask what you were doing on the computer?” ten-year-old me said. “It was nothing that you worry about.” Dad said. “Why daddy?” I spoke. “I will tell you this when you get older.” Dad said. Dad did all he could to avoid my questions but to no avail they continued to come his way. “Please tell me daddy.” I spoke.” “Like I said I will tell you when you get older.” Dad said as he began to feel frustrated when all he really wanted to do was continue viewing pornography. Out of anger, Dad grabbed me and then took me to my room. “Please daddy.” I spoke. “No. Now you go to bed!” Dad said as he closed my door.
           A few months later, in the middle of the night, I heard someone coming into my room while I was sleeping. He approached me quietly so I wouldn’t wake up. Once he got to my bed, he began to feel onto my body with the attempt to take my clothes off. What dad did made me scream, beg, and cry for someone to come rescue from the abuse but no one came until mom woke up as the evil attack on my life made progress. Mom, dressed in her pink pajamas, immediately ran to my room feeling something evil was going on in the house. When she saw Dad in the act of abusing me, she called the police and then ran to punch Dad in the face as hard as she could. “What the hell are you doing?!! You sick fool!! The police are coming to get you.” Mom said. Fearing for his life, dad ran out of the house before the police could come to arrest him. In the present time, Dad was last heard serving a prison sentence for attempted sexual abuse and possession of child pornography.
           As time passed by for me, I found myself viewing pornography on the computer out of cheap curiosity. The memory of that night haunted me as I laid down in bed to sleep feeling afraid that someone would do those things to me again. I became completely terrified of not only the men I saw at the Baltimore Unitarian church on Garrison Boulevard up to the point of not talking to them I isolated myself away from the other boys in my children's ministry group as well. There were times that I would cry alone in my bedroom longing for a friend to be there by my side. The addiction to porn made me lose so much sleep it hindered my time needed to spend doing homework and preparing for tests. Mom noticed the lowering of my grades, so she had a private chat with me in her bedroom. “Yes mom.” I spoke. “I see that you have a few C's and a D on your report card. What's the matter?” Mom said. “Well, nothing mom.” I spoke. “Nothing? You are doing poorly. You used to be bringing home A's and Bs on this thing. Something is going on and I need to know what it is.” Mom said. “Mom...can you promise me you won't get mad when I tell you this?” I spoke. “I won't.” said Madonna. “Mom I been watching “videos” on the computer at nighttime while everyone was sleeping.” I spoke. “What do you mean by videos?” Mom said. I quietly gulped and showed Mom what I truly been doing on the computer. “That's what I been doing.” I spoke. “What?!! How did you even attain access to this?” Mom said. “Remember when you divorced Dad?” I spoke. “Yes, sweetheart what about that?” Mom said. “Well, there were times that I woke up and I saw Dad doing it on the computer and that's what led me to doing this.” I spoke. What I said made Madonna completely enraged and said, “Well thank you for telling me the truth. It's a good thing he's not here to do that anymore.” “I'm sorry for doing those things mom.” I spoke. “It's alright Helga. I am proud of you for being honest with me.” Mom said.
          The very next day, Mom made sure the computer had a filter on it. I made a promise within myself that I would cut pornography out of my life for now and slowly go back to it. One day while I was waiting for the bus to get home, I turned my head around and noticed that kids were selling each other pornographic discs to each other. Watching them caused an immediate trigger within my mind and made me think of trying to view pornography at home but I returned my focus right back to the vehicles in the street passing by me. When I got back home, I walked past the living room and headed into the kitchen to do my homework. I did my work with the focus of completing each task. Due to my concentration to studying, my grades improved to what they were before.
          During a day at the Marriot High school on Hilton Road, which seemed like any other normal day, I found myself sitting in the cafeteria at a table alone enjoying a tray of lunch. I was wearing a white sweater along with sky blue jeans. Amid a scene that seemed normal, I was distracted from someone calling me over to them. As I tilted my head up and faced to what or who was in front of me, I noticed an African American boy that looked about the same age as me with a glazing smile on his face. The young boy was wearing a red baseball cap on his head facing backwards, a throwback jersey covering an extra-large white short sleeved shirt, dark blue baggy jeans that were sagging off his waistline and brand-new sneakers that looked like they were recently polished. For unexplainable reasons, I walked right over to the boy. “Um can I help you with something?” I spoke. “Yes, my name is Nathan. I was um wondering if you would like to hang out sometime.” Nathan said as he gave me a smile. What Nathan said to me made me feel very afraid because I was paranoid thinking I would get viciously hurt. “I'm sorry. No thank you.” I said as I slowly walked away. “What? Why?” Nathan said, changing his smile into an evil glare. “I can't explain. Now I need to go.” I said as I began to walk away. Nathan, however, grabbed onto my arm with one of his hands as he reached into his pocket with his other one. “No one says no to me.” Nathan said as he pulled out a gun and shot me right in the head. I fell to the ground and remained completely motionless. That day, the cafeteria was flooded with the noise of the screams of other teenage boys and girls. I asked myself why a stranger would make the choice of shooting me when I said no to him. That question remained on my mind as I laid on the stretcher inside of the Baltimore Medical Emergency Services unit's truck.
          Exactly three years later, I woke up from my coma at the Ashburton Medical Center in Levindale. I opened my eyes and noticed that my mother was sleeping by my bedside. I opened my mouth and said, “Mom. Mom!!” My voice was so loud it made mom wake up. “Huh? Helga? You're awake!!” Mom said as she called over a doctor to come check on me. Within minutes the doctor came right over to my room. “What is it ma'am?” the doctor said. “My daughter. She's awake. She's awake!!” Mom said. The doctor walked right over to Helga, smiled, and said, “Oh goodness gracious. It's a miracle!!” “Mom what happened to me?” I spoke. “Well sweetheart you've been sleeping for three long years.” Mom said. “Three years. Then that means I am now twenty years old. The last thing that I remember was a gun being put into my face and it blasted right off into my head.” I said as I softly banged my head with my fist noticing that my skull was replaced with a metal plate. “Oh Helga. I thought I lost you.” Mom said as she hugged me. I cried as I hugged my mother back knowing that I lost three years of my life that I will never get back. I wanted to do what I can to get back to where I left off at life, but the first thing I thought that I needed to do was to confront the one who put me in that hospital bed the first place.
          On the day after recovering from the awakening of the coma, I managed to retain movement of my legs. As I got out of bed I said, “Can I change out of this hospital outfit now?” “Of course, sweetheart.” Mom said as she handed me some new clothes to wear which resembled the ones that I wore on the day of the shooting happened. As I looked at the mirror on the wall by the door, I realized that the coma kept me at the same height and weight I was seventeen years of age. “Wow. I may be twenty now, but I haven't even changed at all.” I said as I looked into the mirror.  “Well, that's because you were in a coma. Remember?” Mom said. “Oh yeah, the coma. Mom, before I go back to school, I want to confront Nathan for what he did to me.” I spoke. “Oh, sure Helga. You have every right to do that.” Mom said.
            After weeks of preparing and practicing of what was going to be said to Nathan, I found out that he was placed in prison within hours after the shooting. Mom, feeling just as courageous as I was, took a drive over to the Patterson Correctional Center in Lochearn. We looked out the opposite windows of the car and kept our eyes on the exterior of the prison. The entire perimeter was surrounded by a tall steel fence. The top of the fence was covered with barbed wire wrapped around every crease. At every corner of the perimeter stood a guard tower where correctional officers stood in light blue uniforms armed with sniper rifles. The only entrance into the prison was a tall, fenced gate that led to a parking lot for visitors as well as staff. Without warning the gate opened and within seconds, a lone correctional officer walked towards us and said, “Good morning. How may I help the two of you?” said the correctional officer. Mom looked at the correctional officer and said, “We are here to see Nathan McCain.” “Okay. Please come this way.” said the correctional officer as he led the way for Mom to park her car in a parking space near the entrance to the building. The correctional officer then led us inside the prison building, had us both thoroughly checked for weapons and contraband, and led us to the visiting room. As I was walking over to the visiting room with mom, I began to take deep breaths. And when I got into the room and saw Nathan dressed in a dark orange jump suit sitting down, I became frightened. Half of the room was separated with a partition composed of a glass wall that looked like a two-way mirror. On both sides of the partition were lines of chairs along with phones on the sides. “Sweetheart please don't fear him. I'm here and the police officers are here. He can't do anything to you.” Mom said. I gulped with a tear nearly rolling down my cheek and said, “Okay mom. Thank you.” I sat down in a chair, tilted my head up and looked at Nathan right in the eye. “Hello Helga. I'm sure you remember me quite well.” Nathan said. “Yes, I sure do. So, how’s things been going for you these past three years.” I spoke. “The time I've been here has been a complete Hell for me. I can't think of any other words to say to describe it.” Nathan said. “I'm very sorry about that Nathan. The reason I came here today is because I want you to explain why you did what you did that day.” I spoke. “Well...I did it because...” Nathan said as he struggled to get the honest words out of his heart. “Because why? I want to know why you did that to me. Do you know that you took away three years of my life that I'm never going to get back? Please just tell me the truth.” I spoke. “I wanted to experience having a girlfriend. I was tired of being all alone. My dad told me that if you ever want something from someone and if they don't give it to you make them do it. He also said to never let anyone push you around. That's why I shot you.” Nathan said. Less than a second after hearing Nathan's words, I took a deep breath, changed my facial expression from one of fear to one of anger and said, “That's why?!! You wanted a girlfriend?!! You were only eighteen years old! You should have just got to know girls before you even took a step like that, and I didn't push you around. All I did was say no to you. That's it!!” “I know this now. I'm sorry. I am now paying the price for what I did. I'm going to die here. This is what you want right?!!” Nathan said. “My mom told me when I was growing up to never wish death on a living breathing person because that is not going to help in this situation.” I spoke. “What’s going to help a person like me?!!” Nathan said. “You received help by being put in here.” I said as I gulped, trying to catch my breath. “I don't know what to say to that.” Nathan said. “I can’t look at you anymore. You will regret every day for what you did to me. Now I have said enough. You have a nice life, Nathan. Good luck to you.” I said as I got out of my chair and walked out of the room. “Sweetheart please wait up.” Mom said as she followed me out of the prison and back to the car. As I walked out of the prison building, I looked up at the air, smiled and said, “Mom I'm going to be alright now. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel even better now. What did I do?” “You chose to move on. That's what you did.” Mom said. “Thanks Mom.” I said as we got into the car and drove off leaving the demons of my past behind me.