drowning in bygone

today i see a different season
it seems as years have past
but one look at you
and the world again turns blank

what was real became a memory
but it seems that not for everyone
god there is no escaping
it just keep coming back

once i dreamed a future with you
now you haunt me when i sleep
it is not like can’t live without you
so how long can you hold on to me

Reviews

[JayG]

When you write about yourself, and how you're feeling, you need to do it in a way meaningful to the reader.

This works for you, because you know what prompted you to write, the situation it relates to, and who you're talking to. The reader?

• today i see a different season

Dunno. I looked at the calendar and it's the same one it was yesterday.

Not what you meant, I'm sure. But the reader just arrived, and only you know your intent for the word meanings. That's why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, who must have context as-they-read-the-words.

• it seems as years have past

You mean "passed." Edit, edit, edit.

• but one look at you and the world again turns blank

Well... I'm insulted. What did I do to make the entire planet turn blank (whatever that's supposed to mean) when you look at me. And why are you talking about me? 😁

My point? This is you talking about what's important to you, in terms meaningful only to you, because, again, you gave the reader no access to context.

Poetry isn't us telling people that we don't know what's bothering us today. Did you come here hoping to learn my woes? Of course not. But neither did anyone come here hoping to learn yours. People read poetry to be entertained, which, as an emotional goal, and so, requires poetry written in an emotion-based, not a fact-based way. Instead of a line-after-line of declarative informational sentences, you need to pull the reader in and make them feel and care, not be better informed on your mood.

Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook is an absolute gem, and filled with little surprises. Try a bit of it for fit. I think you'll find it both helpful and eye-opening.

https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[jonavium]

Hello, thanks for your feedback! I think what you’ve written is objectively true, but I write these poems as a sort of journal. I write to preserve my experiences and sort them out in my head.

Although, I am grateful for your recommendation. I was actually looking for a good source of inspiration and I’ll check it out :)

[JayG]

• I write these poems as a sort of journal.

Irrelevant. You preserve them when you write them. You posted it in public for others to read—people who lack context or interest in your life. This isn't a blogging site, remember. For that, WordPress is pretty good.