Red Stilettos

My first attempt at flash fiction. I don't know if the story is too confusing and would need more elaboration to be a flash fiction so let me know what you think. Comments and reviews are welcome.

The silent October air was broken with the sound of a pair of stilettos clicking on the sidewalk. I listened carefully to the new noises of the dimly lit area, as my once comforting I-pod was drained of its battery. Although I could make out certain other noises wandering the liquid air, they seemed muffled. The only distinct sound I could discern was the pair of stilettos moving with a staccato beat. I looked at my own feet and tried to match the tempo, but it was too slow for me to keep my balance.

            I approached the source of the noise: it was an elderly woman, hunched over so that her face was hidden in her head shawl. She wore a black party dress, silky smooth without a single wrinkle. She, however, looked as if she had forgotten to iron her vestments that sagged on her cheeks and arms. Gravity was not her friend. What did strike me as rather odd was her pair of blood-red five-inch stilettos, clicking on the sidewalk. I pushed my hair out of the way as we were about to pass each other.

            She stopped…

            I stopped, wondering if she was alright.

            Her neck slowly bent and a bone popped as her head lifted to face mine.  Her eyes were fogged and I’m fairly certain she was completely blind, but I knew she could still see me.

            She stared.

            I stared back, waiting for her to say something.

            She grinned, bearing her teeth, razor-sharp and jagged. I gasped as my knees gave way and I collapsed to the floor. For some reason, my sight had disappeared and my hearing was slightly more muffled. Although, I could still hear those red stilettos, faster now and growing fainter, clicking on the sidewalk.

Author's Note

Do you think i should expand this? Add more description to set a tone better? It's short because I wanted it 300 words or under (It is 300 exactly).

Reviews

[Lexy]

before I even read this, the size of this is appropriate.

*if you wanna reduce the words, take out "a pair of" in the very first sentence.
"new noises?" is that the shoes? I feel like that's ambiguous.
"as my once comforting iPod was drained of its battery." I'd change that to, "as my once comforting iPod died," or something less...wordy.

--okay, the first paragraph focuses mainly on noise. however, the segue for the second paragraph threw me off. I would focus less on the noise (mainly because I don't think the noise is doing what you want it to do) and set more of the setting. We get the sounds, but not an image of what the narrator is doing. Is (s)he sitting, walking, lying down?

elderly woman wearing stilettos? absurdly awesome :)
"gravity was not her friend." hahahaha
"what did strike me as rather odd..." would probably sound better "what struck me as odd...." I also wouldn't say "stilettos," just because the repetition is a bit much, and change that to "shoes"

There could be more mystery in the line "Her eyes were fogged and I'm fairly certain she was completely blind, but I knew she could still see me." This is just a plain line.

floor=ground.

"for some reason, my sight had disappeared and my hearing was slightly more muffled." Take out "for some reason," it takes away from the story. "My sight had disappeared and my hearing was going." I don't like the word muffled here, maybe because you used it earlier in the story.

I think everything I mentioned is just nit-picky, and up to you to listen to. You did an excellent job of setting the story and telling the tale. Well done :)

[selkietales]

Whoa this is neat! I like how she's this absurd elderly woman in stilettos. At the same time, though, it makes me wonder why she waited so long. I also feel as though the hip shattering is a bit of an overkill

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting story. You did tell a complete tale in under 300 words. I believe the story up to the ending was very good. Could expand on the tale. You create a situation with a strange ending. I like the complete story. Thank you for the excellent story.
Coyote