a losing game

inspired by the phrase

It feels like a losing game

loneliness wins

depression is in

i dont know how to make it stay away

I am mad at him I needed him to be there

My aunt died I got covid there are other things going through me

he asked me to be together on thursday and i said i was busy

but then i tried to make time he made plans with his co worker said he tries

why can't he try again

why are we in this friendship but its one sided

i dont know i feel so alone

burning away

in this losing game

got demoted to the back seat

if caught he would say he would have to say he wouldn't know me

how can loving someone without knowing them be

there has to be something more

its groundhog day eternally its that movie

we just arent mean to be

i scream i dont want to hope

i just want to let go

but in doing so i still feel so alone

in this place

maybe my soul died away a long time ago

now my body will follow

my heart is in a panic i feel so dramatic

i just wanted you to be there

he said he made time today

but he spent the whole way complaining about traffic

why is our non relationship so dramatic

i unplug i am sick of all this static

i just want to love and be loved

why can't i feel it from you

does he feel it from me

maybe its just a fantasy all in my head

i am the mental patient stuck in her bed

i try to do the right thing i still can't win

i try to block him he calls me begs me to stay

leaves notes in my mailbox voice mails

says i will always want you

its five years i cant let it go

we are mere mortal nothing is perfect

i just wish you could be there

be more aware

do something to change this gray place in this losing game

yet at the end he pulled me in his embrace and we kissed

but why

i dont even know

hello is nice but not goodbye

so we go on the same in a losing game