Blue Raining Down in my heart

Sorry not sorry dear man

I just dont understand

How you can keep up the secret life

paying bills, everyone has your time

what about your woman?

Why cant you love me?

Maybe thats the reason  coco lee

it sucks when you are by yourself

he says I can give you a ride "if"

I dont want to be dependent

he says he doesnt know where he will be

why then make a weird offer to me

i shouldnt have to propose and make you see

if i am truly important then why not just love me

the high is gone

i am full from the drug

i just need your love

but his heart remains vacant

or occupied

why then go offline in uber to give me that ride home

there is so much about you i dont know

i need to shut the door

its hard

because in time i am not lonely with you in my heart

but now the blue is raining down hard

with flow and without coco

realities of the land makes it hard to know

why he keeps on with a vacant soul

or is it me all alone

maybe thats why coco committed suicide

said goodbye to a life that is so hard

in this field i feel my vision getting blind

there is so much blue raining down in my heart.

Reviews

[JayG]

Dear Dismal Damsel:

Your letter to your friend was deeply touching, but it somehow got lost in the mail and was delivered to our writing group, instead. Unfortunately, since we know neither you nor your friend, reading to how how you feel induces no emotion in our hearts, other than perhaps, "Aww... poor baby." and I doubt that was your goal.

So a suggestion. If this truly was intended for us, then address us, not that unknown person. And since you're giving your reader a gift of your tears, phrase your missive so the reader weeps with you because you make them recall a like situation. In other words, don't tell us how you feel, don't talk to someone unknown, about things and events unknown to us, make US feel that way.

No one here woke today hoping to learn how you feel. No one came here hoping you would complain to us. They came seeking entertainment in the form of writing that would make THEM feel and care, not be informed on your woes.

If writing poetry is your goal, you need to dig into what poetry actually is, and the ways to make it meaningful to the reader, as-they-read. Poets have been experimenting and refining for centuries, so take advantage of that, because the kind of writing you used to write all those reports and essays in school is useful ONLY for writing reports and essays. Use them, and you have something like this.

Take a look at Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's an extremely good intro to the profession. Wilson Mizner said: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” And he's right, so...research. You can download a readable copy here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[butterfly]

Thanks for the review :)