Sights from a Hilltop

My first attempt at a poem. I wrote it for my english class a few months ago.

I looked down from the hill and over the houses

and saw a small lake with its wind rippled waters blowing toward the shore

Through the diamond and pearl whitecaps and sapphire waters, I saw a sailboat with a ruby colored sail gliding over the water

The sailboat moved as swiftly as a river, treading through the water like a sewing machine through silk

Suddenly the wind died down, and the sailboat slowed like cars reaching a yellow stoplight

Around the sailboat I saw ripples, like a stone had just been thrown into the sap waters

Suddenly, the wind picked up and the sailboat took off like a rocket toward the end of the lake

Through the sapphire water the sailboat flew, until it reached the emerald trees

The boat turned gracefully like a ballerina and flew through the sea of sapphires, diamonds and pearls again

Before the boat disappeared into the bright light of the topaz sun

Author's Note

My first poem in a long, long time. What do you think?

Reviews

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

It's definitely a vivid piece. :D Great for a first attempt in awhile; the descriptive words you used were absolutely excellent! You certainly succeeded in painting a wonderful masterpiece in my mind. ^^ All I can say is that this would make a better short (really short) story, possibly because the line breaks are a little off. Sorry if I'm going a bit out of line, but be careful with similes... I'm pretty sure it's just me, but it sounded a bit forced. :/

Regardless, nice work! :)

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[darkmusicbaby88]

I like it. It is very visual and I like how you used inspiration from your love of dance. It is very colorful and I really enjoyed it. Have fun in your Sophmore year.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

This reads more like a story than a poem, but very nice. The description was phenomenal. Does it take you a long time or quickly to write it? Either way, very impressive. I literally felt I was on a sailboat on the topaz sea.

thanks for sharing.

kena

[cyanskye]

I love your imagery. Several of your phrases ie - 'The sailboat moved as swiftly as a river, treading through the water like a sewing machine through silk" are beautiful. I think you could make this a much more expressive piece if you went back and found ways to edit out the word "like". This is one of those words that get in the way, especially when used frequently. Overall, however, very nice job.

[GetTheHellOut]

Perfect descriptions and vivid imagination. Good Work keep writing.

[brita]

very beautiful.
your imagery is so vivid.
words flow nicely.
great work.

[teenagekween]

BLING!its so good!and vivid!i can totally picture myself on a hilltop...but ya...shorter lines would make thi sperfect(:

[Amor-de-angel]

I liked it,it was very descriptive. I do agree with Melody though that you may find it reads better as shorter lines. It would make it more poem than prose.

It's a very colourful piece.Well done.

[Andromeda]

beautiful! my word of advice, though, would be to work on your line breaks. make the lines shorter to make it seem more like a poem than prose. Your word choice is fantastic!

[Marina]

I Love This!

It really puts a picture in your mind.
=]Keep Writing!
Can't wait to read some of the other stuff you post.
XxStaySweet,
Rina