That Moment

Do you know what that moment feels like?

When all of a sudden you realize

It just isn’t worth it

 

It doesn’t happen instantaneously

Like burst of rage

Or stabbing pain

 

Nor is it like the feeling of happiness

That seems to sprout of its own accord

And quicken the hours of the day

 

No, this feeling starts slowly

It begins, in the back of your mind

A small voice, a whisper

 

Saying, “why?” Why are you doing this?

Why are you standing here?

Why do you even care?

 

Because you’re already dead, anyway.

 

Once this thought takes hold

It consumes you

Frays the edges of your soul

 

Inches into every thought.

Every conversation.  Every sentence.

Every breath.

 

Yet, you are not its captive

You welcome its corrupting presence

Rejoice in the numbness it brings

 

Because you’re already dead, anyway

 

When you walk past a graveyard

Or even by your father’s razor blades  

You smile slowly to yourself

 

Not the smile of the psycopath

Or masochistic loon

No, just a small, hardly noticeable smile

 

Of a person, knowing how quickly

How easily

It all could end

 

An you realize that this is all you ever wanted

The freedom of a knife, or noose

Or a dark forgotten grave

 

Because your time does not have worth

You do not have worth

Your life has no true purpose

 

You are a single

Solitary

Spec

 

You are insignificant in every possible way

And yet

You stand here

 

WHY ARE YOU STANDING HERE?

 

With your fake smile

Your hidden desires

Your utter worthless

 

WHY even though each minute that passes

Is another liter of morphine being pumped

Through your body

 

WHY when the concept of feeling

True happiness or peace

Is a mystery to you

 

WHY when each step feels like

A battle, each breath

Like a waste of energy

 

WHY when prayer brings no solace

Music no joy

Family no hope

 

WHY when even your mind has become

A foreign object and your soul

So battered and torn beyond recognition

 

WHY DON’T YOU END IT ALL?

 

Because you’re already dead, anyway.