Lydia's Degradation

The piece is a cathartic story.

Lydia’s Degradation

            I woke up this morning with the worst headache ever imagined. The night before was arguably one of the strangest nights I faced in years. I don’t understand how one great night could plummet so quickly to dooms day. The rays of sunshine were covered up by gray gloomy clouds in the blink of an eye.

She was a danger to me without being a danger to anyone else. She was a tornado surrounding me exclusively. I fought inside the tornado to be free. She didn’t see it coming until I was gone. Until I confronted her from outside instead of from inside. She saw me for who I really am. I saw me for who I really am. Or, did we see me?

I’ve pondered this question since I stepped outside the tornado. I saw the damage she caused around us and the effects from outside. I discovered a different part of her from the one on the inside. She was shielding me against my will to hide the secrets of the outside world. I lingered in her presence attempting to dig deeper for the truth before I transformed into a savage beast.

 I strangled her with my words. I roared my frustration shoving it down her throat. I forced her ears open as I spit catastrophic words to her brain. I was a monster fighting for revenge. I voluntarily punched her face with my disgust. I vomited my hatred in puddles of acid, searing her body.

Then, it was over, when I dropped to the ground in a deep sleep. I was home by that time, but I don’t remember the ride to my house or the walk to my bed. The sliver of memory that remains in my head from last night is only the moment I became the beast. The animal full of stored anger building up inside of me and, finally, a target to throw it at.

I returned to a normal human when I awoke this morning. The human wasn’t me anymore. It looked identical to the past me other than the recent cut on my knee. I must have scraped it last night. The difference between the two of us was greater than physical attributes. It was inside my mind and heart.

My headache paused my thoughts for a moment. I couldn’t make sense of the aching, yet. I didn’t do anything, as far as I can remember, that could have caused a headache. Despite the pain, I stood up to grab pain relievers from the bathroom cabinet. I stumbled across the silent hallway into the bathroom. My hand found the handle and pulled the cabinet open. After spotting the pain relievers, I swallowed the pills down hoping for an immediate effect.

Unfortunately, there was no immediate effect. My dizziness pulled me to the floor, but there wasn’t a large enough gap for me to fall. Instead, my head hit against the glass mirror. Luckily, there was no crack, and I looked straight into the mirror. My eyes met with my reflection and I saw the difference between my past me and the present me.

The eyes were the physical difference between us. The eyes held the permanent scar of last night. The events will bear weight on my eyes for an eternity. My eyes were once joyful and friendly to everyone they met. Now, they were storm clouds flashing lightning to each victim. The joy of life was sucked out of me last night and will never return. I have changed into a lifeless shell waiting for death to end the pain.

A ring filled the air; it was my cell phone. It was worse than a normal call. It was a special ringtone set for her. The tornado was prepared for a second onslaught, this time it would suck me in forever. I stayed put, staring at my reflection in the mirror. Finally, the cell phone stopped ringing restoring the peace in my apartment.

I was safe behind these walls. No one could disturb me if I didn’t let them in. Nothing can hurt me if I don’t know what is happening. My computer was shut down, my television was black, and my cell phone was away. No information can infiltrate my mind if I hide myself in the bathroom for the rest of my days.

I would have sat on the toilet all day long if it weren’t for my phone. It went off again calling for me once more. This time it wasn’t her ringtone. I decided it would be smart to check it. After all, I couldn’t hide from the world forever. I struggled to make a cautious walk into my room, defeating the dizziness. The phone was still ringing when I checked who it was. It was an old friend who went to my high school. I was confused about why he would be calling, but answered anyway. It couldn’t hurt to talk to him, could it?

“Hello,” I answered.

“How could you do such a thing?” Josh demanded.

I asked, “What are you talking about?”

“You should know. You only did it a night ago,” he sneered.

I was terrified to find out he knew. I didn’t think anyone would notice. How many others witnessed it then? “How did you know about last night? Were you there?”

“I didn’t see it, but I heard about it from her. You know exactly who I am talking about.”

“You don’t understand what she did to me.”

“You don’t understand what you did to her,” he retorted.

“Can I say my side of the story? You can’t judge without getting both sides of it,” I begged.

“You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I don’t even want to hear your side. You will lie to hide the truth of your ruthlessness.”

“Then why did you call if you won’t give me a chance?” I wondered.

There was a pause with temporary static followed by his voice, “I wanted you to know that you are a jerk and should apologize for being one.”

“There is nothing to apologize for. You see, it may seem that what I did was uncalled for or irrational. You think that was a spur of the moment action, but it wasn’t. Josh, you don’t understand the why behind the what. The reason behind the shouts,” I explained.

“Why did you do it, Alex? I would love to hear your excuse.”

“She deserved to hear the truth.” I stated.

“That’s the reason!” Lydia busted out of nowhere. She was with him in the call. “You crumbled me into dust because you thought it needed to be said. I don’t know what to even say to that! Do you have any idea how much it hurts me?”

I was in shock from her voice. Her voice took the life out of me for a moment like a blow to the stomach. After a second pause, I hung up the phone. I panicked and left the problem. That was probably the most foolish move I could have made. I lied down across the bed with my arms and legs sprawled out. I didn’t know what to do anymore.

I wrapped myself in blankets with this journal in my hand. I clicked the pen and wrote the events down. This morning made me think about my life and where this will lead. How did I get here? And even more importantly, where will I go from here? The dark corners of my life have crawled to the center for too long. I am done with letting the life fade away from me. I need to make the most of who I am and what I have.

This is a declaration for me to ensure I will find happiness. The problem Lydia brought me into is in my past now. She might try to strike, again, after my breakout from last night, but I will fight to the top. There will be people who get in my way besides her, but they will never block the path completely. I will dance my way around them and proceed forward in life. I can’t let those who fight against me, allow me to fight against myself. I am stronger than my enemies even when the enemy is me. I will fight my way through my problems instead of trembling in the dark. I will leave Lydia behind me, if she will be an anchor, for I am not a sailboat at harbor hopeless to be free.

Author's Note

Share with others if you like it and please comment any opinions on the work.