Love Lost Control

I hate to admit, but it's too hard to avoid the hit.

Love Lost Control

This feeling I feel

It cannot be real

My mind would’ve never thought

That my heart would start

 

My brain lost control

Of my obedient soul

Now, it moans for the forbidden

The concept that was hidden

 

My heart aches

To awake

My hands imagine lacing another

And help embrace a lover

 

Searching through the numerous “ones”

That amount to several tons

Opening up to a wide sea

Hoping to catch one for me

 

Stop this feeling

Don’t let it be revealing

This feeling I feel

Please don’t be real

Author's Note

It's been a long time since I last posted, but it finally is here. Please give me some crucial, constructive feedback. Thanks in advanced.

Reviews

[Steph Morgan]

I really enjoy the rhyming scheme, but the meter is a little difficult. It flows well in some areas, like, "Searching through the numerous 'ones'/ That amount to several tons/ Opening up to a wide sea/ Hoping to catch one for me", however it becomes almost a little forced in the previous stanza of, "My heart aches/ To awake/ My hands imagine lacing another/ And help embrace a lover". The two short lines really throw it off with the two longer ones, at least in my opinion. But other then that, I overall really enjoyed the poem. The content is meaningful and well worded.

[Kalen Luciano]

Thanks for the constructive review. I will try to write a poem today and pay special attention to my meter and flowing between lines.

[Holly]

This was a very thought provoking poem... It captures the way it feels to lose control of yourself while loving someone. Great work!

[Kalen Luciano]

Thank you for the review!

[David Scott]

I enjoyed this thought you shared. I especially like how you chose to end the poem. It is a frightening prospect to feel what we feel at times. Even the good feelings can overwhelm us.

I will give my opinion in a constructive if not "crucial" manner. ;)

Consider writing your poem again without using the word "that". This is advice I received from a better writer than myself. I think it is good advice.
Avoid passive transitions as well. A good example of this in your poem can be found in the second line of the second stanza. "My brain lost control of my obedient soul", sounds fine in a sentence. However, consider how much more powerful the line reads when you can write this thought with poetic flare. "My brain lost control, spun out my obedient soul"... or something along those lines...
Can you see the difference?
Also, if you are going to rhyme, and I like rhymes personally, I think you should pay some attention to the meter. You need not be strict, but some steady flow helps the reader feel your write better.

I only gave advice because you asked for it here.
Overall, I like the way your mind works in this poem. You show a true intellect.
Keep writing Kalen. Good work.

[Kalen Luciano]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will work with these tips to make my writing better.