Once More

The cool March air kissed her cheeks gently as she walked. He met her outside and the two walked together in silence. They were going to the graphic design lab, where he would work on his project and she would do his sketches for him.

“Why do you even want to help me?” He asked with a frown on his face.

“I like spending time with you, and it’s relaxing. I’ve been really on edge recently because-”

He cut her off. Told her to stop because he had his own stress to handle at the moment and couldn’t listen to hers. She looked down at her feet and watched them walk in perfect rhythm with his. Once they reached the lab she went right to work. There was something so calming about watching the pencil trace the gray lines around the letters. Filling them in so perfectly it looks as if a machine stamped it on to the paper.

Even though she was relaxed, all she could think about was her dark thoughts. Only a handful of people knew about them. Only a handful of people knew the scars on her arms were no accident. She hid her pain through a smile, day after day. Only with him was she truly herself. Only with him did her genuine smile appear. Even though nobody could make her happier than him, nobody could make her sadder than him. She constantly wondered why she wasn’t enough for him. And if she’d ever be enough for anyone.

This is where most of her stress and depression came from. All her insecurities and fears about never being enough for anyone. So when he drunkenly dumped her in a text back in February her world was turned upside-down. She felt as if she deserved all the pain, if not more. That’s when she began her collection of scars. It started off with five, then ten, then twenty. Thirty three, thirty seven, forty five. That was the last number she had told him.

Even though they were not together they spent most nights in each other's company. They would do homework together, talk about what was stressing them out, share music. Tonight they were working. He kept trying to talk to her, but she was beginning to feel an attack coming and felt too depressed to even look at him. So she kept her headphones in and didn’t so much as glance his way.

And now, I finally know what it feels like. To risk everything and still survive. When you’re standing on the battlefield. And all the pain is real.

The lyrics danced in her head. Was she really surviving though? Every day it seemed she was adding a new scar to her body, making her feel a false sense of joy and a true sense of shame. She tried not to think about it as she watched her pencil color with such precision. She knew if she got to talk to him when they were done working he would listen then and she would get to vent her feelings. Only that time couldn’t come soon enough. She was finished her sketch for the night but she began to start another one. Her grip on the pencil so tight you could see her hand straining.

He tapped her shoulder and pulled her headphone out. “Hey, I’m pretty much done for the night. How about we go back to my room and hang out for a little.”

She nodded and the two packed their belongings and headed back to his room. The walk back was just as silent as the walk over. Once they reached his room they took their jackets off and sat on his bed. She did not want to speak because she felt too ashamed of herself. She had not felt this depressed in weeks.

“How about we just have fun tonight. We’ll talk about happy things and have a few drinks. Does that sound good to you?”

“Sure,” she replied.

He poured the whiskey into a Mason Jar. It reminded her of Charleston, and how badly she wished to be there. To breathe in the damp morning air. To enjoy a beer on the porch at night and smell the fresh rain that just rolled through.

He grabbed his laptop and opened Spotify. Listening and sharing music was something they did often. When they were together they would listen to music and just hold each other for hours. They’d fall asleep in each other’s arms and awake not having moved an inch. She missed that more than anything, for his arms were her safe place. She craved for them tonight, and was wishing he would play their favorite song and hold her until she fell asleep.

As they continued to get a little more of a buzz, their conversation turned deep. He asked her why she was so unhappy, and her rant began.

“I feel so worthless. Every day I try so hard but always fall short of someone’s expectations. I’m always being compared to somebody, and I should always be doing more. It’s hard for me to just get out of bed in the morning, and yet when I do that and still go to class, do homework, eat, talk to people, everything it’s still not enough. I just want people to know I’m trying. I’m doing the best I can. But I’m scared nobody sees it because no matter what I do it’s not enough! No matter how much I do I need to do more! I can’t do it anymore!”

"How many scars do you have now," he asked, sounding concerned.

"Sixty six..."

He let out a deep sigh and pulled her on top of him. Placed her arms around his body as he wrapped his around her waist. Her head laid on his chest and they listened to the music gently playing from the speakers of his computer. Then suddenly he sprang up as if a bee stung him on his back, and he typed into the search bar. She asked what he was doing and he replied, “Don’t say anything, just listen. You need to hear this.” A guitar began to play softly and then a soothing voice began to sing.

Tonight I feel like the world won’t miss me. Too much to say, but there’s no one listening. If we’re alone are we all together in that.

“How is this-”

“Shh,” he replied. “Trust me.”

I am doing the best I can. With everything I am. Don’t you know nobody’s perfect. Do you understand, how hard I’m trying to do, the best I can.

A single tear fell from her eye and rolled onto his warm chest. He lifted her chin and wiped the water off her cheek.

I am doing the best I can, with everything I am. Don’t you know I think you’re worth it.

He caught another tear with his thumb and kissed her gently. As their lips met the spark she had felt the first time they kissed reappeared. “I miss you,” she whispered.

“I miss you too,” he whispered back.

With the song playing softly in the background, they got under the covers. Her head on his chest, rising and falling with every breath he took. They fell asleep in each other’s arms once more.